Hello, hello, hello Slayers! Today, we’re going to be diving into something really powerful, and that is not asking a narcissist why they do what they do. Many times, we want to know why. Why do you do the things that you do? But do not do that; do this instead.
So, if you are on a quest to be enlightened, you are in the right place. I want to remind each one of you that a new day is a new opportunity for a fresh start, a fresh start against narcissists, a fresh start against toxic personalities, a fresh opportunity to have wisdom, especially when you are dealing with toxic personalities and choosing empowerment over entanglement.
Today, we’re going to give you lots of ways to choose how to deal with narcissists instead of asking them why. Why is asking a narcissist why not the best approach, and what alternatives can we adopt? Let’s uncover the layers.
Asking a narcissist why gives them power. It’s the very nature of what many narcissists want. They thrive on when they sense that they can control the narrative. They want that emotion, that invitation to take center stage. For example, when you say, “Why did you spread that rumor about me? Why did you do that?” So, their answer may not only evade responsibility but gives them an opportunity to say, “Oh my God, I got to them. I got under their skin. Look at that, I triggered them. I got what I wanted. I got that supply that I wanted.” They know there’s that thing they’re almost sort of laughing to themselves. They kind of look at it as, “I’m going to defend myself. I didn’t do that.” They’ll turn it around and attack it on you. “Well, if you didn’t behave that way, I wouldn’t have to have said anything.” And it becomes an opportunity to sort of get into it with you and say, “You’re the one who behaved that way,” and now you end up feeling so much worse than when you even started this whole conversation. You’re not going to get anything out of it; you’re certainly not going to come away feeling like you got the answer that you wanted.
Where do you think you’re going with this conversation? It ends up being not only circular, it boomerangs back on you, and you feel worse than you did when you started. So, why gives them power. Instead, you don’t ask them that question.
The next thing is it can make you doubt yourself. So, that’s another reason you don’t ask them why. It honestly is a gaslighting situation, it’s a manipulation tactic where somebody makes you doubt yourself, your instincts, even questions your sanity. It’s a card played by narcissists. Asking them why opens those doors, and it gives them an opportunity to rewrite events. You say, “Why did you forget our anniversary?” They retort with things like, “I told you I was feeling stressed. I told you about work this week. I told you all of these things. You don’t care about my feelings. You don’t care about how I feel.” They never mentioned anything about being stressed.
The other reason why you don’t ask a narcissist why is that you’re never going to get a truthful answer. They’re going to avoid responsibility. When you confront them with why, rather than introspection, they’re going to weave a story that absolves them from whatever responsibility. You know, you ask them, “Why did you overspend on our budget? Why did you not do the thing that you were supposed to do?” You’re never going to get a good answer.
In understanding all of these challenges about asking narcissists why, how can you be more effective? What can you do instead? Well, number one is that you can create better boundaries. You can start to say, “Step one: Don’t run. Step two: Make a U-turn. Step three: Break free.”
Step one: Don’t run. Clear boundaries. You can start to say, “You know, the very first thing I’m going to do today is I’m going to be spoken to in a respectful manner.” Or assertively state your terms. You can say, “I’m going to be proactive today, not reactive today.” So, rather than asking, “Why did you go through my personal diary?” you can say, “I value my privacy. I expect my diary and my personal belongings to remain untouched.”
So, trust your feelings and perceptions. Your instincts have evolved to protect you. When something feels wrong, trust that. Do you know your heart is 20 times ahead of your brain? Recall that time that you felt uneasy ahead of something; you’re probably right. So, that’s your intuition; listen to it.
And then seek support and validation externally. In a world filled with gaslighting, it’s pivotal to have that stable ground. Surround yourself with people who are going to validate your feelings. There’s a quote from Rumi that I love that says, “Set your world on fire. Seek those who fan your flames.” So, seek people that are going to fan your flames, not douse your fire. People who are going to be in your space who are going to be supporting you, that feel good around you. Set the world on fire. Feel good. I want you to put that in the comments right now: feel good. It’s time to feel good, set the world on fire. You don’t want those who are going to make you feel bad.
Boundaries, get the help you need. Trust your experiences, trust your gut. Step one: Don’t run. Step two: Make a U-turn. Step three: Break free. You can go from drama, trauma, and chaos to a life of freedom, possibility, and purpose.
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Remember that today’s a great day to start negotiating your best life, and I will see you in the next article.
