Are you stuck in a relationship with a narcissist? If so, here are the words you should never say to them because it will destroy them, which means that you will end up suffering the consequences.
Now, let’s talk about what words destroy a narcissist. When you are looking at a narcissist and you’re thinking about a narcissist, they are just absolutely heinous and everything they do is just horrible and so abusive and traumatic, and it’s hard to even think about what it is that may be going on with them. But remember that a narcissist is actually the most fragile, little ego inside. They’re actually the most fragile egos on the planet, and so they will do anything they need to to protect that fragile little ego. They have no sense of internal value, so that means that they have to derive all of their value from the external. How they do that is by sucking the life out of everyone around them because they desperately need this thing called narcissistic supply. Supply can come in the form of actually being what I call positive supply. I mean, none of it’s really positive, but in the way you think about it it’s more positive things such as money, prestige, compliments, things like that.
But supply can also come in the form of what I call negative things such as degrading, devaluing, intimidation tactics, treating you poorly, control tactics, things like that. I mean, making you squirm, they get supply out of that. It makes their egos feel better. So when you think about it, when we’re talking about these words that will destroy a narcissist, all of it is pretty much the opposite of what it is that they want, which is that narcissistic supply. So with all of that in mind, here are the words that you probably should never say to a narcissist. They do destroy the narcissist. But when you say something that “destroys the narcissist”, what actually will happen that you will cause their narcissistic injury to be inflamed and that will trigger narcissistic rage, so you probably never want to say these words that are going to destroy the narcissist because they’re going to come back at you and you’re going to have to suffer the consequences.
Number one is, “You are a loser. You are a failure. You are a disappointment,” anything like that, that basically goes right to the core of the thing that bothers them the most, the thing that they do not want exposed to the world. Because inside, since they have no inner sense of value, you are literally tearing them apart by saying, “Hey, you’re a loser. You’re a coward. You are never going to amount to anything,” anything like that that’s right to the core. I mean if you say something like you’re a loser to somebody who is very sure of themselves inside, they know what their internal value is on the inside, they will be like, “Okay, you can think whatever you want.” How about you called the moon green and is made of cheese, right? But for a narcissist it’s like exposing them for who they are and you will receive the backlash of that if you call them anything like that.
Number two is, “I don’t believe you.” Narcissists are pathological liars and they tend to lie about everything, including even things that are very easily verifiable, which I think is really a puzzling, it’s very vexing, confounding, use any words you want. But I just think it’s really interesting how narcissists have no problem lying about things that you can easily check. But if you say directly to them, “I don’t believe you,” then it’s not going to be helpful for you. They’ll just go crazy on you. So you can say things like, “You can believe that if that’s what you’d like. I know that’s what you think,” something like that. Because that validates that that’s what they think, but also lets them know that you don’t think that that’s true. But don’t flat out say, “I don’t believe you.”
The next thing that you may want to not say, which is another word that might destroy a narcissist is, “I’m busy. I’m busy right now and I don’t have time for you. I don’t have time to look at your stuff. I don’t have time to talk to you about what it is that you want to talk about.” That’s when they say, “I can’t believe that you don’t have time for me. How dare you have other plans.” So, be very careful about this. One of the things that you may want to do instead is say, “I don’t have time for you right now, I can make time for you at this time,” or something like that, especially if you’re dealing with a narcissistic boss or a co-worker or even if it’s so soon-to-be ex spouse or somebody like that, somebody that you still need to interact with for whatever reason, you can say this.
Make sure when you are saying these things, if you choose to say them, that you’re saying them without any tone. Remember that narcissists hear tones like dogs hear dog whistles. Even if the tone isn’t there, it is just the slightest edge of tone, then they hear the tone. If there’s a slightest edge or a taint, a whisper, hint in the air of body language or anything that potentially is against them or sarcastic, something like that, they’re going to pick up on that, so be really careful. So if you choose to say some of these things, make sure that you’re saying them without emotion, just calm, cool, collected. I always tell people like, “Just the facts, ma’am.” Remember the old show? It’s just the facts. You respond to things without emotion, and don’t justify, defend or overshare. Learning to communicate powerfully with a narcissist is one of the best skills and gifts you could ever give yourself.
Number four is, “I didn’t read your text. I didn’t read your email. I didn’t listen to your voicemail.” Anything like that is a little dagger to them. It’s sending them this message that they’re not important to you or that whatever it is that they wanted to say to you wasn’t that important to you. You definitely destroy a narcissist if you say to them, you didn’t read, look at or listen to something that they sent you.
Number five is, “You’re wrong.” Just don’t even bother trying to tell the narcissist that they’re wrong. Do you honestly think if you try to point out to a narcissist what their flaws are and how they’re wrong and how you’re right, that they’re going to turn around and contemplate it and go, “Wow, you know what? I thought about that and you are right. I’m wrong. I can’t believe I didn’t see it your way before.” They’re not going to say that, they’re never going to do that. I mean, unless there’s something in it for them and some strategic manipulative reason why they would need to say that. Don’t just come out and say, “You’re wrong.” They’re not going to acknowledge it anyway, and you’re just going to end up wasting your breath and causing them to be inflamed in some way and you’re going to have to deal with whatever that means. So don’t bother, just don’t even say it.
The last one is, just don’t say no. It’s the opposite of the old drugs campaign, just say no. Just don’t say no to a narcissist. They will go crazy. They don’t want to hear the word no. You’ll have to think of another way to say no to them that’s probably a little bit softer so that you don’t have to deal with whatever may come because you said that. The best thing that you can do, honestly, rather than avoiding these words that destroy a narcissist, is to actually go no-contact if you possibly can, I mean, at least to the extent that you can. I know some of you were probably in situations where you can’t completely go no-contact at this point. For you guys, I would say create a plan to go no-contact. Even if you have children with this person, there is a way that you can minimize the contact through parallel parenting or using apps or something like that. I mean, there are ways that you can at least minimize the contact. You don’t want to inflame a narcissist. It won’t help you. It won’t make your life better. Really just going and disappearing off the face of the earth is the best thing that you can do.
If you use these words that destroy a narcissist, what you will be doing, frankly, is playing into the narcissist’s hands. They are street fighters, they play dirty. They want the fight. They like the fight. Because when you’re fighting with them, they know they have control over you. When you’re upset, now they’re getting narcissistic supply out of that, making you squirm gives them supply. So if you are using these kinds of words, while it upsets them and it triggers their rage and their injury, what you’re going to get back in return is so much worse than if you just choose to calmly respond and create boundaries and walk away from this person as soon as you possibly can.
Remember, when you use these words to destroy a narcissist, they’re not going to just sit back idly by. They’re going to be starting to plan their attack, their counter attack, their way to get back at you in a way that will hurt you more than you’ve hurt them, make you look worse than they look and everything else. If you’re not careful, you’ll be suddenly sucked back into their vortex of insanity. So before you say any of these words that destroy a narcissist, think about that and think, “Is that what I want?”
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