If you’ve ever interacted with a narcissist, you’ve probably wondered if they know they’re a narcissist. Are they aware of the damage they cause? Or are they oblivious to their own toxic behaviors?
Trying to make sense of a narcissist’s behavior can send you into a cycle of emotional turmoil. Typical people look for an explanation for a person’s behavior. And while it can be tempting to wonder, the truth is that narcissists just don’t think the same way we do.
Narcissists have a complicated relationship with self-awareness. This can make things especially confusing for their victims as they try to learn to negotiate with a narcissist and heal from the emotional damage. However, the critical thing to remember is that through understanding more about narcissistic thought processes, you can find healing and empowerment.
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Understanding the Nature of Narcissism
Narcissism is far more than just exhibiting selfish behaviors. It’s a psychiatric diagnosis known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder. A true narcissist with this disorder has deep-seated insecurity that they mask with grandiosity, entitlement, and a hunger for control.
Because narcissists have no innate sense of self-worth, they feel an insatiable need to fill this void with narcissistic supply. They get this supply from others. Manipulating, gaslighting, and generally putting others down in an attempt to raise themselves up are all classic ways narcissists fill their supply.
These behaviors are deeply ingrained defense mechanisms. A narcissist’s greatest fear is others finding out about their lack of self-esteem. Often, they’re not even aware of this emptiness. But whether they’re aware or not, one thing is sure: they’ll never admit to being inferior or wrong.
Do Narcissists Realize They’re Hurting Others?
Despite their denial of their true nature, narcissists are usually conscious of how their actions affect others. However, they usually justify it as self-preservation in the name of keeping their true selves hidden away. They also blame others for any consequences, refusing to take responsibility.
Additionally, a narcissist’s need for superiority and validation most often outweighs any fleeting moments of empathy or remorse. Because of this, they develop habits of projection and blame-shifting.
Some narcissists might recognize patterns of broken relationships around them, but they view themselves as perpetual victims rather than perpetrators. When something goes wrong, it’s always someone else’s fault.
So, to answer the question: narcissists sometimes understand they’re hurting others, but in their minds, it’s either justified or not their responsibility.
Can a Narcissist Change?
Some narcissists have enough self-awareness to glimpse their true selves. Some might even joke about being narcissistic or having selfish tendencies. But this sliver of awareness is far from what’s required for genuine emotional insight into their harmful personalities and actions.
Most narcissists are, for lack of a better term, too narcissistic to accept the possibility of being abnormal, so the vast majority are never diagnosed. Many remain too deep in denial to ever view an accusation of narcissism as anything other than an unfair attack.
A tiny portion of narcissists might seek therapy. However, real, lasting change is extremely rare and unlikely. They’re just too resistant to self-reflection and accountability to ever accept their diagnosis or the need to change and stop harming others.
How Does Their (Un)Awareness Impact You?
Many victims of narcissistic abuse fall into the trap of thinking they can help or change a narcissist. Unfortunately, this usually only leads to further emotional harm. If you’ve already made this mistake, it’s time to realize that no amount of help on your part will change them.
Instead, the most powerful thing you can do is stop waiting for them to recognize or apologize for their behavior. Focus on protecting yourself, your boundaries, and your peace.
Empowering Yourself Through Understanding
Once you recognize the limitations of a narcissist’s self-awareness and self-acceptance, you can stop taking their behavior personally. Remember, narcissists don’t see those around them as real people. They only view them as tools to fill their narcissistic supply, including you.
Rather than trying to fix them, arming yourself with negotiation and boundary-setting strategies is the best course of action. Take negotiation classes online and, if you need to take legal action against a narcissist, such as through a divorce, find a lawyer who understands narcissism. These can be game-changing tactics in helping you defend yourself against narcissistic attacks.
Ultimately, your goal should be to shift from trying to change the narcissist to reclaiming your own narrative, peace, and power—whatever that may look like for you.
Strengthening Yourself Against Narcissism
While some narcissists have glimpses of awareness, it very rarely leads to meaningful change. All your attempts to emotionally appeal to the narcissist will only fall on deaf ears and leave you drained.
Learning about narcissism is the first stepping stone in healing from narcissistic abuse. Once you understand their thought processes and what you can do to counter their attacks, you can choose empowerment over entanglement. Ultimately, you can strengthen yourself to rise above their volatility to find peace.