I’m going to give you several things that happen when a narcissist realizes that you refuse to be controlled. First, narcissists need control because it protects their identities and their fragile egos. They are underneath very actually afraid of you. They’re more afraid of you than you are of them. All that stuff that they layer on, is just a show.
It’s sort of like the Wizard of Oz, how the Wizard of Oz built that whole Emerald City. He did all of that because he was hiding that feeble, scared, little man that was behind the curtain. That’s what the narcissist is.
They have very low self-esteem, a very fragile self that they’re hiding and they’re manipulating others. They use tactics such as gaslighting, guilt, shame and all those things because they’re trying to control their outcome. They are desperately trying to control the circumstances around them because they’re very, very scared people.
People who are sure of themselves, people who are confident are not desperate to try to control things. It’s only very fearful people who are desperate to try to control. Knowing what narcissists are doing to try to control their victims, or their target, will help you feel more educated and help you understand what’s going on and it will help you to be more prepared and anticipate what’s going to happen.
That’s part of the S.L.A.Y methodology, which is strategy, leverage, anticipate what’s going to happen and then, you can focus on you, your position and be ready.
Anticipate is the A and once you understand what’s happening, you can anticipate what’s going to happen. Understanding what is happening will help you. Understand that they are very ashamed people that have a lot of shame.
You think you might have shame, but they have more shame than anyone else. They are shame personified. They’re like one big shame donut. They use control and manipulation to try to keep their kingdom intact and you notice they build a kingdom around them, and they don’t really stray from that too much. They do know exactly what they’re doing, and they are aware in some ways of their toxic behavior. You know that they’re aware because they know how to behave in certain situations. They know how to love-bomb you to get you to do what they want at the beginning. They are aware of that.
What happens when they realize you refuse to be controlled?
They have that narcissistic injury, which is that fragile self that they have and once that scab is picked at then that narcissistic rage is just beneath that surface and that will come flying out and that can come flying out in a couple of different ways.
For an overt narcissist, you can see aggressive outbursts and depending on how overt they are, you can start to see stalking, or violence, or even threats of violence, threats of stalking, that sort of thing.
For a covert narcissist, they might be a little bit more passive-aggressive, they might make themselves into a victim, but that narcissistic rage will start to creep up and they start to be something different than what you might have seen in the past.
The heat will start to turn up and that is the first thing that you’ll see. The birth of the smear campaign can start to happen long before you start to perceive as the discard phase, sometimes you see the three main phases of a narcissistic relationship: it’s the love-bombing, the devaluing, and the discard. These phases are not linear, they go back and forth between these phases. When you are going to negotiate with the narcissist you must understand that, even in the negotiation phase, they will still go back and forth between these phases because they will want to rely on using these phases to see what will potentially work for them. With the love-bomb phase, don’t confuse love bombing with true love. Also, you will see the birth of that smear campaign potentially happening even before what you perceive the discard face to be.
They start embedding pieces of smearing long before the break-up happens. They might have started lining up flying monkeys or with their army of people by starting to say things against you and about you long before you realize there was even an issue because they realize you might discard them eventually or they may want to discard you eventually. They start getting people on their side and they start saying things about you, even long before. The flying monkey may not even realize they’re being recruited, and I think that that’s an important piece, that the flying monkey maybe is just being love-bombed by that narcissist too. They might just be oblivious to the whole situation too. The other thing that is important for you to understand as well, is that these phases are not necessarily just in intimate relationships, or romantic relationships, the narcissist uses these tactics and interacts the same way whether it’s a business relationship, a romantic relationship, neighbors, friends, family, whoever it is. They interact the same way regardless of who they are interacting with, or the type of relationship it is. When they start saying things about people long before the discard phase, they don’t necessarily even say, “Oh, that person is a bad person”, they might even say it in a way where the flying monkey might even think that they’re saying something in the spirit of caring. They might say something like, “Oh, I’m concerned for so and so, because they had too much to drink last night”, or “I’m concerned for so and so because of how they’re behaving”, or something like that, where it makes it seem like they’re worried about you, but they’re really embedding a smear, so, it seems like they’re a good person.
They may just ghost you. They may just stop talking to you all together. This is where it potentially could get violent. In some situations, a malignant narcissist may have no care or concern at all about potentially ruining your life. They may stalk you, or even file motions, or file things against you, or they might just actually say things against you that are false, fraudulent. Narcissists may file things against people that are just heinous and horrible, accuse people of child molestation, or something like that. They may stalk you, say things against you, that sort of thing. This is where a totally malignant narcissist might just completely try to control the target by just pulling out or doing whatever they want to try to show their target, or show their victim, that they’ll do whatever they need to do to ruin the other person’s life completely. This is where the narcissist might just go public with whatever they know about the other person by saying things about them, such as intimate details about the person’s sex life maybe, or intimate details about maybe their gambling habits, or things about them that, should they be made public, would be very embarrassing for the other person, or could be very damaging for the other person. Certainly, things about that other person that the other person would not want other people to know and what’s interesting about this, from a narcissistic point of view, is it’s potentially damaging for the narcissist as well. In other words, wives for example, may be very hot to get this information out there about where it could potentially ruin the husband, but then, that means they will not get alimony, or something if they would have normally gotten, but they don’t even care because it’ll ruin the spouse. Yet, that means that person will get fired, or that nobody will want to hire that person anymore, because it will ruin them in that community, but they don’t even care. It will hurt them too. It’s their own undoing as well but they don’t think it through. They don’t think it all the way through when they go through with this whole public humiliation.
That is where they just will lie and deny, about anything and everything and that’s something that narcissists do anyway but they’ll continue to do it and they’ll escalate their lying and denying and they will do that all the way through, especially when they realize that you refuse to be controlled.
This is even more so when they realize you refuse to be controlled, because they will want to try to catch you, they will want to try to get you. Dealing with a narcissist is like getting arrested, anything you do, say, or try will be used against you but they will want to try to do that even more so in these situations because they want to try to get you. It’s not only that they’re getting narcissistic supply from it, but they want to use something against you. You want to go gray rock with this. Do not give them that narcissistic supply. Do not give them anything because anything you put your hand to is a potential trial exhibit. Just shut that down.
For more information on the SLAY methodology. Check out http://icanslay.com

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