Did you know that sex is one of the ways that narcissists use to gaslight and manipulate their targets? Sounds disgusting but it’s true. Narcissists sneakily, stealthily, and insidiously use sex as one of their tools to control.
This is one of the lesser discussed, less talked about, less information is available on how narcissists actually use sex to control their victims, but it is absolutely happening, and it’s something that we should be discussing more. In fact, sex is one of the most common ways that narcissists use to gaslight their victims. It’s highly personal. It’s very insidious, extremely toxic. Yet, nobody knows what’s happening because it’s happening behind closed doors, so it’s one of those areas that no one’s going to see, which makes it a perfect way for narcissists to abuse their victims. It’s highly personal and embarrassing for people, so people just end up not talking about it, or maybe they just actually think that there’s something wrong with them because that’s what the narcissist wants their targets to believe.
Narcissists use many different ways to psychologically abuse their targets and since sex is such an important part of who we are as human beings, and especially with your romantic partner, you want to feel attractive. You want to feel like your partner desires you. And so, of course, because that’s something that you want, it’s a perfect place for the narcissist to make sure that they control you and coerce you in this area.
The people who are in a relationship with narcissists end up feeling used, abused, discarded. You end up feeling less desirable or maybe not desirable at all. What happens in the bedroom when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist is that your needs are completely irrelevant, just the same as they are anywhere else. They set you up so that you feel like there’s something wrong with you, and you end up feeling ashamed, and it affects your confidence, and your self worth. What’s worse is that it is so private and so personal that you end up feeling very, very isolated, because it’s embarrassing. You don’t want to have to admit to your friends or your family or even to a therapist that maybe your spouse doesn’t want you, doesn’t desire you, or that maybe you no longer desire that person because of the way they’ve made you feel, or because of the way they’ve made your needs completely irrelevant.
When you’re in a sexual relationship with a narcissist, they communicate to you the message that your pleasure isn’t important; that only their pleasure matters. They subtly let you know that if you want pleasure, or if you want anything out of the romantic relationship, that you’re being greedy, or maybe that there’s something wrong with you for wanting that. But the bottom line is, what’s really going on is that narcissists use it as a form of supply. Because remember, narcissists have no inner sense of value. They have to derive all of their value from the external, and that external value that they’re sucking from all the people around them, we call narcissistic supply. It’s their oxygen. It’s what they feed on. It’s their food because they’re constantly trying to feed this beast and layer on this external value to slap onto the fact that they have no inner sense of internal value.
They have no ability to care for another person. So if they have no ability to have empathy or care for another person, it does not make them good sexual partners because they certainly don’t care about your needs, your desires, your wants. So narcissists use sex as a form of narcissistic supply. Remember, the supply can come in the form of big house, big car, the best schools, the right friends, the prestigious job. But narcissistic supply can also come in the form of control, gaslighting, devaluing, debasing, cutting people down, minimizing them, marginalizing them, and making them think that they’re crazy.
So here you are in a situation where it’s the most vulnerable, when you have a sexual relationship with somebody, it’s a very, very vulnerable position to be putting yourself into. Whenever you reveal a vulnerability to a narcissist, that becomes an excellent place for them to go after because anytime you show weakness or show something that you want to a narcissist, that becomes an immediate place for them to target. They’re always looking for weaknesses, always searching and trolling for ways to control people.
When you’re negotiating with the narcissist, you never let on exactly what it is that you want, and you try to steer them away from that because you know that that’s the one thing that they’re going to go after. But in a sexual relationship, you can’t really play those games as much. I mean, obviously you’re in a sexual relationship, so you want to feel desirable. You want to feel like your partner wants to give you pleasure and vice versa. That’s the whole basis of a sexual relationship.
But when you’re in a romantic partnership with a narcissist, you’re never going to get that just the same as any of the relationship with the narcissist. The sexual part is actually just one component. It’s one more area for them to gaslight. It’s one more area for them to control. One more area for them to make you feel less, for them to devalue you. It is deeply painful and hurts way down into your soul because you don’t feel desired by the one person you want to feel desired by.
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