Are you divorcing a narcissist and afraid you’re not going to win? I’m Rebecca Zung, Top 1% Divorce Attorney, and the bestselling author of the books, Negotiate Like You Matter, Breaking Free: A Step‑By‑Step Divorce Guide and SLAY the Bully. And I’ve helped thousands of people, go from lives of drama, trauma, and chaos. And helped them step into lives of freedom, possibility, prosperity, and purpose. And that’s exactly what I do right here on these articles. So, you won’t want to miss any of my articles. And in order to do that, you’ll have to make sure you hit the little subscribe button, and hit the notification bell, so that you know when I upload my new articles.
So before we dive into what to do about that narcissist in a divorce, let me just give you a few highlights of the kinds of tricks and manipulations that they try to pull in a divorce. And believe me, I have seen it all. I’ve represented them, and I’ve had them on the other side, many many times. So, let me tell you the kinds of patterns… They actually all try to pull the same sort of tricks. So let me tell you the kinds of things that they do.
First in our list is that they try to do is win at all costs. They are going to try to make you look as bad as possible. No matter how ridiculous it seems. They’re going to twist everything. And that’s why I tell you, to put everything in writing. We’re going to talk about more of that in a minute. But everything you say, do, or even the way you breathe, is going to be… Try to twist it and manipulate it, in whatever way possible, so that they look good and you look bad. Because they’re going to try to win at all costs.
Secondly, the things that they do. And here’s the crazy part, because despite what I just said about, “I’m going to try to win at all costs,” winning is actually not what they want to do. What they want to do is, get the best of you. That’s actually what they want to do. It’s going to look like they’re trying to win at all costs, but what they’re actually trying to do is manipulate you at all costs. So, just remember, that now that you are stepping out of their world, you don’t have any more value for that. Because for a narcissist, people only have value to the extent that they can use them, for their own potential gains.
So now that you’re stepping out of that and you have no more potential gain for them, now the only goal is just to manipulate you, and make your life miserable. Number three thing they try to do, is use the court system as their sword. So, they’re going to file as many motions as possible. Litigate as much as possible. Make you spend as much money as possible. And make your life miserable by dragging you through the court system. Unfortunately, that’s number three.
Number four thing they try to do in a divorce is actually kind of related to number three. But it’s its own separate category. And that is they try to obstruct you from everything. So, they’re not going to provide the discovery that they’re supposed to. They’re just going to make you work for everything. And so, as part of that, you’re going to end up having to file motions to compel. Again, you’re going to have to be running up the fees and that sort of thing. And they’ll have court orders and they’re not going to obey them. And you’re going to be sitting there going, “How in the heck can he or she get away with this?” Well, the bottom line is that, the only person who has any power over anyone is the judge. So they get away with it until you get back in front of a judge and tell them what they’ve been doing.
So now that I’ve scared the crap out of you, I’m going to tell you what to do about it.
Number one, you’ve got to have a clear strategy. It’s better to be crystal clear and it better be strong and it better be powerful. You better be ready to go on the offensive, and have your leverage ready. You better do your research, do your homework, have everything you need to incentivize that other side, to want to come to a resolution with you. Even if you say, “I don’t want to fight. I want it to be amicable.” Great. But if you’ve got a narcissist on the other side, they don’t feel the same way. All right. So if you want them to come to that nice, easy conclusion, then you’re going to have to incentivize them to do that, and the only way you can do that, is by getting leverage.
Number two, you’re going to want to pick a really strong lawyer. And you’re going to want to pick a lawyer that knows what he or she is doing. Make sure that they know what type of person that they’re going to be dealing with, so that they can help you develop that strategy that I talked about in step number one. And related to this step number two, by the way, is to make sure you pick a lawyer that you really going to trust and then trust that lawyer. Because, what your narcissist, soon to be ex is going to do, is try to get you to distrust your lawyer. That person is going to say, “Your lawyer’s only out for whatever, or your only money, or to break us up,” or whatever it is. But you know, if you are dealing with a narcissist, that that person is probably a pathological liar, and so why would they start telling the truth now? So, the only reason want your lawyer out of the picture, is because, then they can drive that wedge in there and get control back over you again. So, once you pick a lawyer that you really like and you know you can trust, listen to him or her. Okay?
The third thing that you can do is, document, document, document, everything in writing. He or she is going to say to you, “Oh, Let’s just meet at Starbucks. Let’s just have a conversation. We don’t need all this stuff.” So that’s the kind of thing they’re going to do. And then every single thing you say, will have been ended up being twisted. And you’re going to be gaslighted and they’re going to be saying, “Oh you know. We had this conversation and you agreed to X, Y, Z.” Or they’re going to send you an email afterwards saying, “Oh, and we agreed to X, Y, and Z.” And you know, you never had that conversation. Right? So, that’s what they’re going to do. Make sure everything’s in writing as absolutely much as possible. Because, they’re going to try to manipulate you anyway, but at least you can try to minimize it. And that’s what we’re talking about here.
You’re not going to be able to change the other person. The other person is who they are. But you can do things to try to protect yourself, and be feeling like you’re on the offensive rather than on the defensive the whole time. Alright, and number four thing that you can do is, keep your cool. You’re going to want to keep your emotions in check. It’s one of my six steps of winning in any negotiation. But you definitely going to want to keep your emotions in check because, that’s what they want. They want you to lose your cool. They want to get under your skin. And as soon as you allow them to do that, now they’re already winning again. Now, it’s working. Whatever manipulation it is that they’re trying to pull on you. So, keep your cool, keep your emotions in check, and don’t let them get the best of you.
And if you are getting ready to negotiate with your narcissist, make sure that you grab my Crush My Negotiation Prep Worksheet here: https://crush.rebeccazung.com/. You will not want to walk into any negotiation being unprepared. So you’re going to want to make sure you get that worksheet. And if you like this article or there was something that really resonated with you about it or something you really learned from it, or something more that you want to know, drop me a comment below, and I will definitely respond to you.
And also, like this article and make sure that you hit subscribe and share it with your friend who maybe struggling with the same problem, so that we can help and empower each other on how to deal with that difficult person in our life. I’m Rebecca Zung, Top 1% Divorce Attorney, and the bestselling author of the books Negotiate Like You Matter, and Breaking Free: A Step‑By‑Step Divorce Guide. Thanks so much for stopping by today. Remember that today is a perfect day. Just start negotiating your best life!
