Did you know that sex is one of the ways that narcissists use to psychologically abuse their victims? Sexual abuse when you’re dealing with a narcissist comes in different stages. In the beginning, you’ve got your love bombing stage, and that’s when they will just want to claim you. They’ll say that you belong to them. That you’re beautiful, that you’re smart, that you’re intelligent, that you’re handsome, that you’re gorgeous, that you are completely everything that they’ve ever wanted in a partner. How can you resist their charm in the beginning? But that love bombing stage is actually a way of claiming you as their property. Once they’ve brought you into their lair, then the devaluing starts.
It is during this next phase, the devaluing phase, that you start seeing things turning sour in the bedroom. This is where the victim of narcissistic abuse may be made to feel that he or she is wrong in some way. It may be a subtle message or it may be overt, but either way, it is communicated that maybe you’re selfish. Maybe that you’re too promiscuous. Maybe that you’re wearing the wrong clothes. Maybe that you were talking to the wrong people. This is how the control then starts setting in, because the love bomb was really just a way of gathering you into their web of control.
The next stage that you’ll see is jealousy and rages. This is where they’ll start demanding to know everything they need to know or they think they need to know about your past partners, about the kinds of sexual encounters that you may have had before. What did you do with that person? Who was it? Who did you talk to? When were you with them? What did you wear? If you tell them that they’re being irrational or that they’re crazy, then that’s going to, boom, inflame them, because that narcissistic injury will be triggered and the narcissistic rage will come flying out. So you can’t say anything that’s going be perceived to them as disrespectful or a criticism, even if they are totally crazy, or there’s nothing to be jealous about. Part of this jealousy phase is also being jealous of anyone or anything that seems to interfere with your attention toward them. They want to have your full attention. So, even if it’s your children,your parents, or your best friend, they want full attention and they will not accept it if they don’t get your full attention.
The next phase is coercion tactics. With coercion tactics, what you’ll start to see is demanding sex at certain times, demanding sex after an argument so that you can prove their commitment back to them, demanding sex after an incident when they think that you’ve been talking to somebody that you shouldn’t have, or that you were wearing something that you shouldn’t have, then demanding sex to have control back over you with that. Sometimes they play the victim card, where if you want to prove to them that you love them, prove to them that they’re the only one, so that you feel that you have to have sex with them in order to make them feel safe again, to validate them, to make them feel secure.
Threatening infidelity is also a common stage of narcissistic sexual abuse. If you don’t give them what they want, if you don’t have sex with them in the way they want, if you don’t do the things sexually with them that they want you to do, then they might threaten, go get sex from another partner. They may also enter the pushy stage. This is where they may try to push you into doing things that maybe you aren’t comfortable with. Maybe it’s something out of your zone that you don’t want to do like, a threesome or some BDSM thing, or just even certain positions that you’re not comfortable with.
If you say no to their demandsl, then that becomes a threat as well. It’s never enough . They’re pushing you into doing things that you don’t necessarily want to do, and if you don’t comply, then they may threaten that they will leave you or cheat on you. Narcissists also have a tendency to engage unsafe sex. So, they may push you into doing things that are not safe, such as having unprotected sex, or having sex where you potentially could get caught, or maybe giving you a sexually transmitted disease. I’ve actually seen that as a divorce attorney, where a husband or a wife cheats on the spouse. They go get a sexually transmitted disease. They know that they have it. They’ve been diagnosed with it. Then they end up going and having sex with their husband or wife and giving them that sexually transmitted disease.
Narcissists may also withhold sex or withdraw from sex as a way of coercing or controlling their partner. I’ve actually been at lunches where women will say, “I stopped having sex with my husband. I told him that I’m not going to have sex with him until he does this thing that I want him to do.” That’s another way that they use sex as a weapon, as a method of control. If you’re dealing with a malignant narcissist, you might see violent sex.. You might see rape, degrading sex, or sadistic sex.
Narcissists engage in control tactics in every area of their lives. They also have a total lack of empathy for all other people. These traits don’t magically disappear in the bedroom In fact, they are magnified. it can be painful, traumatic and embarrassing. The best answer is to put together an escape plan. Put the narcissist behind you and find someone who has the ability to engage in a mutually caring and loving relationship.
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