In a culture that’s growing more aware of mental health and individual tolerance, one area in the workplace lags behind: the concerning frequency of narcissistic bosses.
Dealing with a narcissist in any capacity is incredibly challenging, but working under a narcissistic boss brings a whole new level of difficulty. Your work is never good enough, your accomplishments are passed off as your boss’s achievements, and information gets thrown at you at the last minute. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Narcissistic bosses infiltrate the entire workplace with their toxic behavior, damaging everyone’s well-being, productivity, and self-esteem. If you work for a narcissistic boss, you may find yourself feeling manipulated, trapped, and on the verge of burnout. However, it doesn’t have to be.
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Learning how to deal with a narcissistic boss requires patience and willingness to develop new strategies, but it’s well worth it. When you can’t quit your job or escape a narcissistic boss, you can still learn techniques to make the workplace a healthier environment for you and your coworkers.
Identifying the Traits of a Narcissistic Boss
While there are a few different types of narcissistic personalities, one thing all narcissists have in common is that they thrive on control and power. They do this by taking away control from those around them by using different manipulative tactics. When a narcissist becomes a boss, the whole workplace becomes hostile and unpredictable.
If you’re unsure whether or not you work for a narcissistic boss, consider these common red flags:
- Micromanagement
- Public humiliation
- Taking credit for others’ work
- Shifting blame
- Retaliating when questioned
Remember that there’s a difference between demanding bosses and full-blown narcissists. While some bosses can be tough to work for, narcissistic bosses use manipulation to the fullest. They’ll do whatever they can to weaponize your efforts, taking credit for your achievements and throwing you under the bus for every mistake. This behavior fuels their own egos.
The Psychological Toll of Serving a Narcissistic Leader
You may not think of yourself as a victim of narcissistic abuse. After all, abuse victims are typically in a close relationship with the abuser.
However, working for a narcissistic boss leads to confusion, self-doubt, and anxiety. It may have even permeated your personal life, causing you to lose sleep and experience other symptoms of anxiety, despite being miles away from work.
You may feel silenced and invalidated whenever you inadvertently set your boss off. Your boss might even have gaslit you into believing you’re the problem.
If you’re exposed to a narcissistic boss for too long, you could even develop narcissistic abuse syndrome, which leaves you feeling traumatized, fearful, and vulnerable to flashbacks and intrusive thoughts.
Power Moves to Reclaim Your Workplace Dignity
All this toxicity is extremely difficult to deal with for even the most easygoing people. Living with it on a daily basis takes a serious toll.
That’s why it’s so crucial to take steps to reclaim your power and dignity.
Tip 1: Stop JADE Behavior
When you talk with your boss, you’ve likely found yourself engaging in JADE behavior—Justifying, Arguing, Defending, or Explaining. This is a natural response for people who are trying to maintain their pride and boundaries in the face of a narcissist.
However, these behaviors just won’t work on a narcissist. In fact, all these behaviors do is feed your boss’s ego. Think of your boss like a naughty toddler: the more attention you give them, even negative attention, the more you give them exactly what they want.
Instead, stop justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining yourself unless absolutely necessary. Keep responses as brief, neutral, and professional as possible. You can use phrases like, “That’s an interesting perspective,” “You’re entitled to your opinions as much as I am,” or “Thank you for the feedback.” These are all brief responses that don’t give the narcissist the emotional reaction they’re looking for.
Tip 2: Document Everything
It’s easy to get tripped up when your narcissistic boss gaslights you into thinking you didn’t complete something on time or you never had a conversation that you are certain you had. Those are just a few of the manipulative tactics a narcissistic boss uses to gain control of you and other employees.
To avoid further confusion and gaslighting, make sure to document everything. Save emails and other written communications. After a conversation with your boss, send them an email following up on the conversation so each of you has a paper trail of what was said and agreed on. This paper trail becomes your armor against lies and gaslighting.
Tip 3: Set Firm Boundaries
Make today the day you no longer take any narcissistic abuse. Setting firm boundaries is a highly effective way to show your boss that you’ll no longer tolerate manipulation, verbal abuse, or any other toxic behavior they display towards you.
Instead, try responding to their attacks with phrases like “This approach isn’t working for me,” “Let’s stick to the facts,” “I’m not comfortable with that,” or “Let’s have this conversation when we’re both calmer.”
The point of setting boundaries is to avoid emotional reactions that fuel the narcissist’s supply and give them more control. When you take this approach, remember three things:
- Be direct but calm and professional.
- While many things in the workplace are negotiable, your self-worth is not.
- Don’t fall into JADE behavior.
Strategic Survival Without Losing Your Sanity
Working for a narcissist when you’re not armed with the proper tools is a surefire way to slowly lose your sanity. In addition to the power moves above, there are some more understated things you can do to ensure you don’t spend every minute wishing for a Xanax.
First, shift your mindset from “pleasing the boss” to “protecting your peace.” This can be tough to do, especially if you’re a natural people pleaser. But unless and until you get a new boss, it’s important to understand that you’ll never please a narcissist. Instead of continually seeking approval, shift your energy into protecting yourself and maintaining the suggested communication strategies.
Next, limit contact with your boss as much as possible. Less contact means fewer opportunities for your boss to exert control over you. When you do interact, be as uninteresting, non-reactive, and professionally distant as possible.
Consider taking a negotiation skills masterclass. This will open up even more strategies for you and give you the personalized support you need to combat the daily weight of the workplace.
If the toxic environment is ultimately too much, prepare your exit strategy. Gain more skills discreetly and build alliances with other coworkers who can back you up. Remember that there’s no shame in needing to get out. It’s not worth continuing if your mental health is suffering. Leaving isn’t quitting—it’s self-liberation.
When and How to Take it Further
Eventually, there may come a point where the narcissistic behavior crosses into intolerable abuse. If you would consider your boss’s treatment to be harassment or illegal conduct, get HR involved or consult an attorney. If you go the lawyer route, choose one who’s familiar with narcissistic dynamics.
Even if you escape your narcissistic boss, there’s still a lot of healing to do on your end. Consider coaching or therapy to help rebuild your emotional resilience and teach you healthy communication skills moving forward.
Rising Above Narcissism in the Workplace
Working under a narcissistic boss is a massive challenge, but it doesn’t have to break you. With the right communication strategies and mental preparation, you can protect your peace, reclaim your voice, and rise above the toxicity.
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Infographic
Dealing with a narcissistic boss can be draining and stressful, and prolonged exposure may lead to narcissistic abuse syndrome, characterized by trauma and anxiety. This infographic provides tips for managing a workplace narcissist.
