Narcissists wouldn’t admit it, but they sure would love to make you look like you’re the problem. And since they won’t admit it, I’ll show you why and how they do it in this article.
First thing that they do is what we call Word Salad. They will use all these words that they mix together to try and confuse you. Throw these trumped up charges against you like how you’ve never kept your end of the bargain, or claim that you’re cheating, doing things behind their backs, and a wall of other accusations. They would also say two different things at the same time that sort of contradicts the other. They might say they’re trying very hard to make things work between the two of you but then say that they’re giving up and they want a divorce or end this relationship. Another example is they might plead for another chance and in the same breath tell you to get the hell out of here and that they don’t want you anymore. So, they have this cloud of craziness that just hangs in the air whenever they’re around. They will go out of their way to make you look like you’re the cause of all problems when they’re the ones who’re falsely accusing and blame shifting. They do this to wash their hands of any responsibility and accountability in whatever is going on.
Number two is: Seeding Flying Monkeys. They tell people that there are even though those very issues don’t actually exist. They do this to prime the minds of everybody. Manipulating people’s perception that you are the enemy, you are the aggressor, and they are the one who is the victim. Covert narcissists are cunning in this respect. They will drop hints in casual conversation so that these ideas will play in people’s minds. And when something does actually happen, they would be more inclined to think a certain way since they’ve been groomed to do so. They might frame it in such a way that they are just concerned about something and that they care. They might say that they’re worried about how stressed you are and how it’s taking a toll on your mental health. Or that you seem to enjoy more than your fair share of alcohol and things doesn’t seem right with you lately. Now, none of these has to be true, all it needs is for these ideas to be seeded or planted in people’s minds, so that it’s easier for the narcissist to point blame at you. I’ve actually seen narcissists try to pull this stunt on marriage therapists so that they get the upper hand in mediations. So that’s number two.
Third on this list is: Disagreeable. They’ll be extremely disagreeable, drag their feet on things, or be passive aggressive about it. They would refuse to do things that they promised they would do, or refuse to go along on certain plans but then would do it at the eleventh hour. They would then claim that they actually agreed to do whatever it was, although they only did it in the last second, and would now point out that they did what they say they would, but you were the one who was being the problem because you were nagging, and complaining this entire time. Now they’ll say things like why are you complaining, why do you have to constantly nag and bitch about this whole thing, why can’t you just sit still, why can’t you be patient, and bombard you with their Word Salad once more.
Number four on this list is: Broken, Ignored, or Forgotten Promises. Narcissists will intentionally fall short of whatever it was that they promised. It can be out of spite or whatever, but certainly, you’re the one who is going to take the blame or get penalized for it. This is something that narcissists would use a lot especially if there’s this plausible deniability. They might “forget” to pay of bills or loans especially if these are under your name and you’re the one who is going to face the repercussions.
Coming in at five: Toxic Amnesia. This is where they forget their faults but highlight yours. They’re always the perfect one and you are the one who is flawed and weighing down the relationship. They never forget your failures. They seem to file them, categorize them alphabetically or in Dewey Decimal System and seem to pull them up in an instant, like it’s on speed dial, to throw them at you whenever it’s convenient.
Number six is: File false pleadings over and over again. They make it seem like when there’s smoke, there’s fire. And this can’t be further from the truth. They’ll make a lot of noise so they can play with other people’s perceptions and get them to think that there’s something going on. Ironically, they don’t really respond to pleadings a lot of times. They’ll fill it, alright, but it would be incomplete, partial, and barely can stand on its legs. But you have to remember, these pleadings that they file doesn’t need to be factual at all, what’s important is that it creates enough noise so people would think that you’re the one who is causing all the problems in this relationship.
Finally, number seven on this list is: Bait you then use your reactions against you. Narcissists would love to stir the pot, poke at the sleeping bear, or disturb the hornet’s nest. And when you show any assertiveness, anger, frustration, outrage, anything at all, they will turn things around, use it against you and label you as aggressive, the abuser and aggressor. They do this especially when they can gain the upper hand in a public forum or in a courtroom. That’s why we need to be careful. Anything that we put in writing, may it be text, email, or social media is a potential trial exhibit. Anything you put your hand to, really, is a potential trial exhibit that’s why you have to be super careful.
These are the seven tricks they use to make you look like the problem. Remember, today is the best day to start negotiating your best life. They only win if you give in!