Ever since I had to deal with a narcissist as a lawyer, I’ve always wondered if narcissists are attracted to certain types of people. I was also targeted and had to deal with them, so today I will share personality traits that pull narcissists in.
I have dealt with narcissists and have shifted dynamics without backlash. I’ve done this by understanding what makes narcissists tick. I’ve also documented traits that narcissists can’t seem to say no to. They’re so attracted to people with these traits that it makes them look like a moth to a flame. I’m letting you know right now that narcissists attach themselves to you, not because you don’t have value, it’s the opposite. They cling to you because you have so many of the things they crave for. If you think about it, narcissists are not after the Kmart Blue Special, nor are they rushing for the clearance rack. They’re after someone who can make them look and feel good. Someone strong. But what’s peculiar about them is that when they’re able to control someone who is that good, they get a certain kind of high about it—they get a kick out of siphoning that person’s resources and life force. So, what will a narcissist get out of someone who doesn’t have value, strength, or power? Nothing, really. They get no power out of that. Now, put that in contrast with devaluing someone who is strong, confident, and smells of accomplishment, now, that’s where the prize is.
I can tell you right now, that narcissists will latch onto someone who has something that they’re fundamentally missing. Narcissists are inadequate, they’re insecure and have low self-esteem. They are in a constant state of emptiness inside. I know that’s not how it appears to be, but that’s because they’ve masked their deficiencies with that of their host. They appear whole because they’ve painted a facade to cover up their brokenness, and they do this by drawing their sense of self out of the people they devalue.
Narcissists want someone who lacks boundaries. They want someone they can condition and who has empathy for others. These are usually the ones who grew up in a household that had a lot of chaos, dysfunction, and instability, therefore didn’t grow up having developed a way of creating boundaries in their life. Unsurprisingly, these are the same people who have trouble saying “No”. That’s why when a narcissist does things or comes at them, they hardly say anything and would oftentimes turn a blind eye and let things slide. Sometimes justifying the narcissist’s actions as childhood trauma that they need to understand and adjust to. They might say things to themselves that they grew up in a bad household too and they understand the other person’s poor behavior, or that their love will be good enough for both of them. But that’s exactly what the narcissist is counting on. They know the empath would be understanding, and forgiving and would bend backward to accommodate those lapses. Narcissists will play with people’s emotions and know how to make them feel good or bad. They know how to guilt-trip people and drag them around. Narcissists will do all these because they know that not only does the other person have no boundaries, but they will also make excuses for them to get them off the hook when they do something bad. I’ve seen this happen countless times and I’m not judging anybody. This happened to me too.
I recently talked to someone who said he was raised in a house where he didn’t receive much love. As he grew up, he sort of thought that he can live off what little scraps of love anybody is willing to give—including a narcissist. How he thought that just being more loving and pouring his love onto this person would be enough to sustain him. I’ve also noticed this in women too. We have a hard time saying “No” because we want to look a certain way. We were taught as kids to be good to people, to be kind, and nice. It’s so ingrained in us that we end up being taken advantage of over and over again. Up until we find ourselves so far down the road of this ugly relationship that we realize that the other person’s needs have taken precedence over our own. And that was exactly it. All we do is give away parts of ourselves to someone who would take as much as they possibly could but couldn’t give back. And they’ll take and take until nothing is left for us. Empaths are particularly prone to this type of abuse which would result in trauma bonding. It’s this toxic and symbiotic relationship between an empath and a narcissist where the cycle of Love Bombing, Devaluing, and Discarding happens to no end. It can be difficult and there may be times when you feel like getting out of this relationship is impossible. I’ve been there before. I know what you’re going through. I’ve been exactly where you are. If you want to turn things around, always remember these three steps. Step one: Don’t Run. Start laying down your boundaries and recondition them. Step two: Make a U-turn, and Step three: Break Free.
There is no better day than today to start negotiating your best life. So, start building your boundaries, and learn to say “No”. You have the power. You are more than the narcissist who is trying to control you.