In my first book, Breaking Free: A Step-by-Step Divorce Guide, I explain the significance of the three A’s. These three A’s are what I call the deadly sins of marriage. Abuse. Addiction. Adultery. If any of the three are present in a marriage, it’s pretty much a death knell of the relationship. If you see one of these, you will likely see the behavior coinciding with another. I’ve very often seen people who have had to deal with all three of the A’s. Although not all narcissists are cheaters and not all cheaters are narcissists, there is a nexus between narcissism and infidelity.
Remember that narcissists need an endless amount of narcissistic supply which is anything that feeds their ego. Although narcissistic supply can be things such as having lots of money, a prestigious job, a big house, or the right car, it can also come in the form of what I call the dark underbelly of narcissistic supply. These are things such as devaluing, debasing, judging, and treating people poorly. Whichever form of supply it is, they need an endless amount of it to survive. The further on the narcissistic spectrum one is, the more supply will be needed for emotional survival.
If a narcissist feels like they are not getting enough supply from you in a monogamous relationship, they are more likely to try and get it from elsewhere. Remember that this has nothing to do with you. It does not mean that you have failed in giving them enough supply; it simply means they need more- because they need an endless amount.
Narcissists do not have the same morals and values as the rest of us. Because of this, it is more likely that narcissists will behave in ways that hurt others- especially if they think that they can get away with it. If a narcissist needs supply from elsewhere, they will certainly go ahead and cheat on you to get it. Although they will rarely have feelings of guilt or remorse, they may pretend that they do if they get caught deceiving you. They may start to love bomb you so that they don’t lose the form of supply that they receive from you. If the love-bombing doesn’t seem to work, they’ll revert back to their favorite behaviors: denying, deflecting, devaluing, and dismissing.
Some of the reasons narcissists cheat on their partners are:
Sense of entitlement
Lack of boundaries
Some of the signs that narcissists might actually cheat on you are:
They always talk about cheating. They’re constantly telling you that they would never cheat on you and that you better not cheat on them. They’re constantly bringing up cheating or not cheating and it seems odd because you’ve never given them reason to believe that you are cheating and up until now, they haven’t given you a reason to believe that they’re cheating either. They might even start accusing you of cheating out of nowhere. This is definitely a sign that the narcissist you are with is potentially cheating on you.
Secretive Behavior. They are super secretive with their information- especially with their phone. You can never get near their phone. They have it on them all the time- even when they’re taking a shower or going to the restroom. They bring it with them. They are suspicious about their texting. They quickly put their phone away when you walk into the room. This secretive behavior is definitely something to be suspicious about.
Disappearing Acts. The narcissist might disappear for random periods of time. You don’t know where they are or they tell you they’re on a last-minute work trip or that they lost their phone. You don’t know what they’re doing. You can’t communicate with them. They’re coming home late or leaving in the middle of the night.
Hidden Money. If you get a notice in the mail regarding a bank account or credit card account that is unfamiliar to you, this is a huge sign to look out for. Hiding money in this way is probably a sign that they are spending money on someone else in their life.