Communicating with a narcissist or high-conflict individual can be extremely disorienting. One minute, you’re sure of your stance and opinions. The next minute, you’re doubting yourself and feeling confused about whether the narcissist really is a narcissist.
Unfortunately, it can be all too easy to find yourself tangled in a narcissist’s web of lies, manipulation, and gaslighting. Finding your way out is a massive task in itself, not to mention avoiding getting caught in it further with every conversation.
Believe it or not, there are ways to assert yourself and stand your ground against a narcissist without fueling their rage. You can disarm them, outsmart their manipulative tactics, and come out feeling strong—all without triggering them. Here are five ways to assert yourself against a narcissist.
(Askar Abayev/pexels)
Tip #1: Understand Assertive Communication
If you’ve found yourself on the receiving end of a narcissist’s toxic tactics of manipulating, devaluing, and guilt-tripping, you know firsthand how difficult it is to assert yourself against a narcissist. Especially for very kind and empathetic people, it can feel impossible to stand your ground while avoiding hurting the narcissist’s feelings.
The important thing to remember about assertive communication is that it is not the same as aggressive communication. If you communicate aggressively, you’re being disrespectful, intimidating, and dominating.
Communicating assertively, on the other hand, involves holding your boundaries and not giving in while still maintaining respect. Assertive communication does not demean or belittle the other person—it simply allows you to let the narcissist know that you won’t give in or let yourself be controlled.
Assertive communication is important because it fosters mutual respect and encourages healthy communication. While “healthy communication” is still tricky when a narcissist is involved, being assertive can disarm the narcissist from using many of their usual tactics against you.
Tip #2: Create and Maintain Strong Boundaries
The first part of understanding how to deal with gaslighting and other manipulations in a relationship is creating and maintaining firm boundaries.
The narcissist has been conditioning and manipulating you from the beginning of the relationship, starting with love bombing. Then, they began weaving in manipulative tactics to make you doubt yourself and your reality. Now that you know their true narcissistic nature, it’s vital not to let them take more of your power from you.
Instead, create healthy boundaries and stick to them, no matter how difficult it may feel. Let the narcissist know that you will no longer give in to their lies, rage-baiting, or gaslighting. Remember: this isn’t about restricting the narcissist, but rather about honoring your own needs.
Some specific phrases you can use are, “This approach isn’t working for me” and “You are entitled to your opinions as much as I am.” These phrases help you set boundaries while still affirming mutual respect.
Tip #3: Be Brief and Emotionless
Have you ever been told not to give in to a toddler’s temper tantrums because they’re looking for any kind of attention, even if it’s negative? Narcissists are a bit like toddlers. When you show any reaction to them, even anger or sadness, they get a hit to their narcissistic supply.
Hiding your emotions from them shows them that you’ll no longer be a source of supply to them. Even when they say something inflammatory, remember they’re doing it to get a reaction out of you, which gives them more power.
Instead, try the Gray Rock Method. This is where you act as dull and emotionless as a plain gray rock. Keep a completely straight face, no matter what they say to you. Keep all your answers as brief and expressionless as possible.
Some possible phrases you can use with this tactic are, “Thank you for the feedback” and “That’s an interesting perspective.” These phrases help you remain neutral and acknowledge their thoughts without agreeing or disagreeing. Sometimes, asking them, “Why would you say that?” can help you learn more about their thoughts while defusing their volatile emotions.
Tip #4: De-Escalate the Situation
When you want to learn how to negotiate with a difficult person or a narcissist, understanding how to de-escalate tense conversations is crucial.
First, recognize when tension is rising. Speaking quickly, loudly, and in a high tone are all signs of an escalating conversation. The key is to lower the tension by doing the opposite of the narcissist.
As the narcissist’s tone gets higher, lower yours. As they speak quickly, speak slowly. As they progress to yelling, answer calmly and quietly. Some phrases you can use to validate their feelings while lowering the tension are, “Let’s have this conversation when we’re both calmer,” “I agree that we aren’t on the same page,” and “I hear you.”
As hard as it is, try to use empathy while protecting your own feelings. Remember to hold your boundaries as you de-escalate the conversation.
Tip #5: Lean Into Support and Self-Care
The more independence and self-respect you have, the less interesting you’ll be to a narcissist. They’ll learn you’re no longer a good supply source and move on to others, freeing you from their grasp.
One way to achieve greater independence and self-respect is through having a strong support circle. Surround yourself with loving, sympathetic people. With a strong support system, you can stay grounded in spite of a narcissist’s toxic mind games and maintain your self-esteem.
You should also invest in self-care such as therapy. This will provide you with validation and encouragement on your healing journey.
Asserting Yourself Against a Narcissist
It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship you have with a narcissist—every interaction is incredibly draining and stressful. Without the right tools to guide you, you can find yourself distrusting your own reality, feeling powerless to find a way out of the narcissist’s manipulation.
That’s why understanding how to calmly and non-aggressively assert yourself against a narcissist is an indispensable tool. When you know how to stand your ground and de-escalate situations without triggering a narcissistic attack of rage, you can begin to break free from their grasp and show them you’ll no longer fall victim to their destructive methods.