The Last Rebel Move You’ll Ever Need: Defy Narcissists and Gain Strength with Graham Cochrane

Disclaimer: Transcripts were generated automatically and may contain inaccuracies and errors.

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yeah and yet it’s scary to embrace that right like I think people say yeah I love that Rebecca I’d love to negotiate
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my best life and be my true self I love that gram that sounds great but it is scary to step out of a toxic situation
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it’s scary to step out and be different than your peers or the people around you we want to belong we want people to
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accept us also so we have these competing desires operating in your true self is really the best gift you can
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give the world I think honestly you were designed a certain way strategically I think God made you the way he made you
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Strate rically and you’re actually holding back the ability to do the greatest work you’re meant to do in this world if you don’t allow yourself to
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discover or like I say find
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yourself welcome to another episode of negotiate your best life it is my
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distinct honor and pleasure to welcome a friend who has really accomplished so
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much in his life and he has really gone
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from I his story is so incredible and he’s going to share it with you but he
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is where he is now is not where he’s always been and he’s a tedex speaker a keynote
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speaker seven figure entrepreneur best-selling author all these amazing
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accolades but he’s not always been there and now he’s got a brand new book which
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is Rebel finding find yourself by not following the crowd
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and he’s going to share how you can find
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your dream and follow your dream and step by step and the uh Rebel is
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actually a framework it actually the Reb L actually stands for the
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five-part framework which is going to give you the exact steps to get where
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you want to go and discover your power and your
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uniqueness to design your life but he’s actually done it this is what he does so
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thank you Graham Cochran for being here I’m so excited this is going to be
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amazing so thank you oh Rebecca yeah I’m pumped to have you I know I had you on my show and had a Wonder conversation
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with you a few months back so it’s exciting to be on your show yeah so but you haven’t I mean you have an amazing
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amazing uh bio resume CV whatever you call it but
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if people just look at that they’re going to be like oh my God I could never get there but you you weren’t always
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there yeah I didn’t expect to be here um I tell you when I was 26 where I found
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myself Rebecca was was with I had a my wife we were married for a few years at that point we just had our first
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daughter and we just bought our first house and we had just moved a th000 miles away from home to a new state and
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then we were in the middle of the global recession it was 2009 and uh I lost two jobs in 10 months and I was four years
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removed from college which college for me was kind of like I only did it because my parents made me go I wanted
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to be a rock star that was my dream it’s and I talk about this in the book I kind of rebellious by Nature I don’t really
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do what people tell me to do um because there was you know they were putting me in a box and I felt like that wasn’t who I was and so here I am four years
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removed from a dream that I always wanted dying and didn’t quite get the record deal that I wanted floating around for four four years with jobs
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that I wasn’t a good fit at um just trying to be a husband do provide and then now I have a baby now a mortgage
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and I’m 26 um we blew through our savings we applied for food stamps they
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call it snap now I was on food stamps for 18 months wow like most embarrassing
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season of My Life um I never I never was one to want to ask for help I always I
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had a job since I was 14 I always worked hard and here I am needing government handouts and it was humbling and I kind
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of had this moment of um I didn’t have time to think because I needed to provide but also when I did think I was
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like what the heck am I doing with my life like this is not how I imagined it going I thought I’d be famous or on my
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way you know dying trying and um you’re like this is not me this is not
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this is not who I am no it was depressing and it was embarrassing that’s probably the word that comes up
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for me the most is like when people ask hey how’s life in Florida we had just moved to Florida back then and I was like uh not great you know and they’re
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like well why did you move if you’re G to lose your job I’m like I didn’t plan to lose two jobs in 10 months I mean no one did during 2008 2009 it was a rough
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time but yeah that’s where that’s where I found myself and and that’s the beginning of a slow climb out of that
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season where I I experimented with doing something different maybe doing something more in lined with the way I’m
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wired with the things I’m interested in even though I had no clue if it was going to work
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out yeah and I I think like there’s so much shame I I you know when you’re in
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that place I I I mean I know for me when I
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had you know I had built this big law practice and and then right after that I
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I merged my practice a few years ago with a couple of other guys and I
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started doing some entrepreneurial Endeavors and then the very first thing I did or or one of the first things was
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I got into a business partnership with somebody who turned out to be a covert narcissist didn’t even do
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well and then I felt bullied by this person but
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it was a covert narcissist um and I didn’t know that narcissists could be women I didn’t know
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about anything called a covert narcissist but I I didn’t speak up I didn’t say
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anything because this person turned out to be you know I didn’t know what to say you know
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when the person was not doing the things that they were supposed to do and I thought okay I’m not going to say
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anything and I think when you’re in all of that shame is the word that keeps
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coming to mind for me because I thought I’m supposed to be powerful over here I’m supposed to
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like I I know how to negotiate I know how to how did I end up
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here yeah how did I end up here and you don’t want to admit it to
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people yeah especially if you’re like me where I want to project strength I want to project like I know what I’m doing um
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you know I took some risks moving my family a th000 miles away from home thinking Florida be a good opportunity
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for me it turned out to not be a good opportunity in the short term ended up being a great opportunity I needed to lose a lot to build something different
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um but yeah like I was embarrassed I didn’t it was hard to talk to my family members friends like that h i remember
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that first Christmas season after we I lost my job it’s like October of 09 so that that Christmas went back to
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Virginia where we we were from Saw family hey how’s it going in Florida what do you are you I heard you lost the
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job what are you doing you know are you applying for new jobs and I remember the shame of like telling them actually I’m
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not applying for jobs I’m actually going to start a a Blog that’s how I started I started a Blog in the music space that
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was my first business was in the music recording education space I was teaching people how to record music that was the
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skill I had so I started to teach it online had a YouTube channel I started all of that and I was telling people
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sheepishly I think I’m G to try to create content around audio recording
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and they were like you can imagine the look on their face like a what does that mean and B how are you going to make
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money at that and I didn’t have good answers to either of those things I just had this you know I I I’m a person of
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Faith so I believe you know God was speaking to me but you call it still Small Voice that intuitive voice of there was something you have you have
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knowledge gram you should share it with other people help them and maybe you can build something out of that I didn’t
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know how to monetize it yet I tried all the different ways but that was the beginning of what ended up becoming my first business but I didn’t know it was
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going to work out I hated talking about it with people because it it’s nice to talk about it now because it all worked
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out in in the rearview mirror I feel very comfortable talking about it now to you 15 years later but in the middle of
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it I was unsure of myself whether this is going to make sense and then B and I really wanted it to work because I if it
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didn’t work I’d have to go back to something wasn’t a good fit for me I have to go back to that life that was the prescribed life for me that wasn’t a
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good fit for my skill set and personality so yeah it was shameful embarrassing um but I had my wife she
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really believed in what I was doing she was open to it she she was scared out of her mind like I was but she knew me and
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I think that’s the big piece that she’s like I know you and I know you’re not going to survive another day in a corporate job or sitting at a cubicle
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with an oversized shirt and a goofy tie this is not who you are it’s not who you are so she’s like you either be unhappy
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there or we’ll be broke here and I’d rather be broke and happy than you be at a job and us be unhappy so she was willing to go along for the ride hey at
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least you had somebody who was really supportive I mean a lot of times people don’t um yeah and so I mean and it’s like
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people are always you willing to to be a a supportive once
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it all works out right I mean same thing with me it’s like when I started on YouTube people like what are you doing
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over there like you know like okay but now that I have this massive presence and I have all these courses and
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everything oh okay right but at the beginning it’s like aren’t you still practicing law what you doing you know
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you’re Rebecca you’re a great example of what I write about in the book you’re a rebel meaning everyone has a
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preconceived notion of the way things should go and the way people should be and in your case specifically okay
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you’re a lawyer you should this is what a lawyer looks like here’s the path here I call that Conformity we’re all going
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this way do it the way we’re doing it and when you go do something different that’s called being a to be
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your full unique self even have other people push back people don’t like
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Rebels initially they like them in the end but like if you think about the rebels in history the Martin Luther King Juniors the Steve Jobs Jesus Christ like
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all these people they came around and challenged the the Norms of the day in
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in a space or industry and nobody liked them they said stop messing this is not how we do things this is not how we do
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things but then you know history looks back at them says wow they’re World Changers you know they they they were on
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to something so it’s really hard and scary to to go your own way whether it’s a big move like a world changing
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movement or it’s just hey I got to make a different decision for my family or I need to take a different job or we need
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to move here or I’m G to pull my kids out of school and home school there’s going to be judgment all around whatever
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you do if it’s not in line with what your culture big or small around you believes is right but a it’s too
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exhausting to not be who you are sa and kard has that great line of the most common form of Despair is not being who
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you are that is it’s haunting and so it’s exhausting and haunting when you’re not your true self but it’s also scary
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and risky to to go the way you want to go and do what you feel you need to do or try because people will judge you
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hard but when it works out then they’ll say oh yeah it makes so much sense you know oh I love what you’re doing or they
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may not ever like what you’re doing and you have to take that risk to live the life that you feel is more in aligned
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with the way you’re designed and that’s what I’m trying to help people do yeah exactly and I mean I love this the way
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this this conversation is going because when one of the things that I always say is
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that becoming your true self like you know when you’re dealing with
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somebody toxic that that’s not who the true you is the true you is actually
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speaking to you going no I’m meant for more than this I this is not
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okay I know that there’s something worthy inside of me that is meant for
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more that is bigger than this the authentic me is speaking and I’m meant
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for more than this because if you didn’t know that you’d be fine with the way they were talking to you or treating you
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right but you know that you’re meant for more than that and and that that true
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self that authentic higher truer self that Soul self of you is saying I know
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that I need to get away from this and and be my unique
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higher self there’s never been another you ever in the history of people and
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there never will be another you that’s insane to me that’s
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God yeah and yet it’s scary to embrace that right like I think people say yeah I love that Rebecca I’d love to
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negotiate my best life and be my true self I love that gram that sounds great but it is scary to to step out um of a
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toxic situation it’s scary to step out and be different than your peers or the people around you um because we we just
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we want to belong we want people to accept us also so we have these competing desires um and you know
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there’s nuances there right like I’m not GNA just go do everything I want to do
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the way I want to do it despite what my wife needs or my daughter’s need or whatever but like operating in your true
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self is really the best gift you can give the world I think honestly you were designed a certain way strategically I
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think God made you the way he made you strategically and you’re actually holding back the ability to do the
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greatest work you’re meant to do in this world if you don’t allow yourself to discover or like I say find yourself um
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you’re never going to fully have all the impact you want or joy that you want in life unless you do a little bit of that
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deep work and and fight you have to fight for it because very few people are in a situation where their friends or
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family or peers are going to be like yeah that sounds great just go be you everyone’s to either at a high level like you’re talking about a narcissist
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all the way down to a subtle dig from a friend not everyone’s going to fully embrace you discovering your true self
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until they see it and then you might actually inspire other people to do the same which is pretty cool yes totally
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and honestly sometime what one of the things that I say all the time is
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sometimes the biggest negotiation that you have to do to get out of it is with
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your own self in the morning for your own selfworth yep
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100% I mean your mind your own mind is the biggest thing that you have to
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overcome oh yeah I mean you you talk yourself out of it every single day the
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the way I think of it is like is there’s two voices in your head there’s the loud default narrative the inner story that
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you tell yourself every single day and that could be different for everyone it could be I’m not good enough I don’t
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have enough resources it’s too late for me this is an impossible situation blah
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blah blah these are very normal there’s no shame in feeling this just just know that this is like a voice in your head
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and it’s very very loud but it’s not the only voice I believe there’s a second voice and that is you could say it’s
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God’s voice it’s intuition it’s the voice of wisdom but it’s in there and
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it’s the voice that knows what’s best for you and wants to lead you it might
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crazy adventure but wants to give you insight and kind of can know what’s coming around the corner but it’s always
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like the Bible describes it as a still Small Voice it’s very quiet it’s like a whisper and it won’t ever turn up like
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the only way to hear it is to turn down the louder default inner story and the only way to do that is to identify what
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is the inner story I’m telling myself and realize that you are telling yourself one and so it’s like trapping
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those thoughts as Tim Ferris says like journaling is really powerful and starting to ask yourself some good questions in the book I take people
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through an inner story audit to kind of audit your thinking and go what am I saying about myself and go wow that’s
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what I’m saying or about the situation and start to challenge that narrative with simple questions like what else if
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I think this might be true and it might be true maybe my situation is what it is but what else could be as true if not
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more true than what I’m telling myself and at least let yourself be curious consider other options and you start to
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quiet that inner story when you do some of this work and what that allows you to do Rebecca is hear that still Small
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Voice that inner the inner voice that knows who you really are who you want to be and what you want to do and you get
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some of that wisdom and insight but it is a battle and that’s not a one-time event to your point it is an everyday Renewing Your Mind Right like the book
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of Romans 12 it says like don’t be conformed to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of
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your mind and that word in the Greek means to renovate like do a renovation in your house every day I got to do some
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demo of the old bad code in my brain and then build something new and you have to do it every
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morning yeah I always say I can never leave my thoughts unsupervised I love that yes they’re not
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allowed to go unsupervised I have to like always be listening to some good
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audio book a podcast a YouTube video something because otherwise if they’re
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left to their own devices they go straight to you know bad places because
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our our thoughts are not wired for Success they’re not wired they’re wired
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for survival I mean we’re wired for survival yes so we have to we have to
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constantly bring them to where we want them to go and so I think
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also we have to shut off and cut off people who aren’t going to support us in
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where we want to go as well so I want to get into your five-part Rebel framework
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and how did you even come to this how did this come to you yeah so when I was writing this book
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um I was spending time with John Gordon um and John you know cther is one of my
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best friends I was just with her yesterday I love Katherine yep she’s a
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she’s a gem and I I was spending a day with John and I was actually trying to
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like learn from the the master I was like okay Master Yoda you know OB Kenobi teach me how do I become a world class
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speaker like you like I’m thinking about the next 10 years I want to do what you’re doing and so that’s what I
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thought I was going to learn from him and that day he his his mind was more interested in what my next book was
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going to be he’s like what’s the message of your your second book going to be and I had just been like eight months removed from my first book coming out
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like we were talking about before we hit record it’s exhausting writing and promoting a book it’s Sneaky exhausting
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and so I was still tired from that I was like John I have no idea what the next book is I just published the book but he
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was really interested what’s this the message of the second book and so that all to say in that conversation the idea
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of of the language of Rebel came out he was asking me about my life story and I was telling him my whole story and
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journey he was like bro and this why I always give John credit for the name he says you’re a rebel like you don’t do
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what people tell you to do do you and I I I remember thinking in that moment Rebecca Rebel is not language I’ve ever
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used for myself but it finally gave me a word that best how I have felt my whole life which is not that I’m trying to be
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I’m not the bad boy I was never a rule breaker so I never would have associated with that word because I have preconceived notions of what a rebel is
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but I didn’t realize that a rebel is just someone who’s like if everyone’s going one way and you decide to go a different way if that way is not healthy
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and you go the healthy way you’re actually being rebellious right like it’s rebellious to actually stay married
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these days because it’s it’s hard to do it’s rebellious to to not be in debt to your eyeballs because it’s it’s rare and
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hard to do it’s like so being a rebel isn’t a bad thing it’s a being a different thing and not different for
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different sake our language was it’s being who you really were designed to be and so in that conversation I was like
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reverse engineering my story and I like to think in Frameworks and so I made it
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my I was like for the next 48 hours I’m going to think through what is what are the steps that the last 15 years of
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going from being on food stamps and being broke to being able to build a couple businesses and make make an
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impact on YouTube and write books and all these cool things change my family’s tree my family tree
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what were the things that I had to do internally to figure out to to fully show up as Graham like the way I put it
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is like letting the real gram come out and play like it’s taken me a decade and a half to let the real Graham come out
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and play and and I knew I wanted a framework and it just slotted perfectly with the word rebel and when I S I felt
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like there was about five phases and so this is what I’ve been teaching clients reverse engineering for myself and uh
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it’s it’s really helpful because people might say love it got it Graham I want to find myself how do I do it
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and and for me I have to have something concrete to take people through and take myself through to figure that out and that’s where this framework
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is okay very good so I I and I love that it came from John we’ll we’ll do a shout
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out to our our mutual dear friend I and uh okay so let’s start with
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the r what what does r stand for the r stands for resolve and specifically
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resolve to dream again and this might sound like a weird place to start but my
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theory is that dreaming the language of Desire the things you dream are want of
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dream of doing dream of being dream of having those Ambitions those desires
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those hopes those wants whatever language feels better if dreaming is like a a buzzword you don’t like my
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theory is that those dreams are giant Clues as to the way we’re wired so it
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would be some people think dreaming is foolish I think it’s found ational to who you are and figuring out who you are
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so it it’s almost like your vision like if you don’t have a GPS where are you going exactly yeah you got to like
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you’re not going to be able to show up in the world as yourself if you don’t even know what you dream about and the problem problem with this is a lot of us
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stop dreaming a long time ago we all are natural dreamers as kids and the reason we stopped dreaming could be a lot of
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things a lot of times because we had a dream die um this is something I call the identity crisis intersection Rebecca
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and maybe this will resonate with someone listening now is is we all have had a dream at some point even if it was a long time ago and that dream could be
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a a career dream it could be a relational dream like I want to get married or I want to have a kid or it could be a financial dream I want to buy
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a house or pay off my debt or whatever it is you have a dream but then life smacks you in the face and that dream
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dies and that could mean he walked out on you and now it’s a divorce it could mean you lost a child it could mean the
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economy shifted and your business went bankrupt it could mean that you know you
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you lost the house in the recession like a lot of people did in 2008 like whatever it is the dream dies for me my
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Rockstar dream I never quite got it so the dream died because I just had to give up on it because I couldn’t I was running out of time I needed to get a
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job to take care of my new wife and I wasn’t getting a record deal and the opportunities were drying up and dream dies okay what do you do now at this
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point I believe you’re in what I call an identity crisis intersection you got a fork in the road and I call it an
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identity crisis intersection because I think our identities are tied to our dreams when our Dream dies part of us
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dies with it that’s why it hurts so much whether you admit it or not it hurts and so I don’t think we’re completely caught
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up in our dreams although that can happen but I think no matter what your dream part of you is attached to it and
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it should be it’s never this thing outside of you that’s why it feels so good when you realize a dream that’s why it hurts so bad when you lose a dream
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and so it’s a very tender spot and and this is where people have one of two choices when the dream dies Choice one
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is you can conform you can get back in line with everybody else and say well
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that was stupid to think that I could have a happy healthy marriage that was stupid to think that I could be a rock
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star that was dumb to think that I could have a business that I actually like um you know what I’m going to be like
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everybody else and and I’m done I’m not going to dream again that was embarrassing maybe dreams aren’t for me
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maybe they’re just for other people that’s what I did when I was 22 and the Rockstar dream died I I gave up on
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dreaming I was like that was stupid I told everyone I was going to be famous musician everyone kept asking me about it and I was serious I thought it was
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going to happen I had mentors and people affirming this is possible for you we see your talent blah blah blah so I was
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burned by dreaming I said never again I’m going to way lower my expectations for joy in life and try to be happy by
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you know a little bit of Netflix and and funding my 401k it’s like really depressing if you think about it but
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like that’s what I try to yeah yeah exactly and so that’s
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that’s a path you could take and it’s a natural path hey all of us have dreams die and all of us have to conform at
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some point no shame I did it for four or five years but there is another Choice
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when you’re at that identity crisis intersection that other choice is to dream again you can actually dream again
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and what that means is it might mean chase that same dream a second time a third time a hundredth time it might
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mean like me discover a new version of your dream like I I got into the music
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industry through a back door as a YouTuber and ended up meeting so many of my heroes and and you know influencing
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millions of people in the music industry but as a YouTuber not as a singer songwriter with a record traditional
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record deal so is this backwards version of my dream that I never would have considered because when I was growing up YouTube didn’t exist right so there’s
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there’s a version of your dream that you could dream again but either way You’ got to dream again because dreaming is
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what keeps you young it’s what keeps you alive but it’s also what will point you back to like data points dreams are just
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data points as to who you are what you value how you’re wired it doesn’t tell you everything I don’t think you’re
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supposed to realize all your dreams I don’t think it’s the point of it I think the point of the exercis is that we have in the book and doing your 50 dreams
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exercises really to get some data on who Rebecca is on who Graham is so that as a
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30,000 foot view at least I have a better picture of what I value and from there we can start to zero in as we go
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through the framework but it’s the hardest but yet most rewarding work you’ll do is getting to that place of
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dreaming again because we all come from different burned backgrounds on on dreaming and we’ll have different
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experiences with it yeah I think you just have to sometimes let go of well it’s not fair
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you you you know kind of like that victim mentality sort of thing I mean I
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think sometimes you just have to go okay it happened and it sucks and it didn’t go
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the way I wanted it to um grieve it
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and it’s okay you know and and acknowledge that you’re grieving and
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acknowledge that it’s horrible or whatever it is but you can’t do anything
27:43
about the past you have to move well the alternative you’re right and the alternative to Dreaming again is is just
27:49
putting your head down and conforming and being like everybody else and that’s not going to make you happy has that worked for you are you are you fulfilled
27:56
by just giving up on your dreams like no it’s might be safer it might protect you from future disappointment like Lord
28:04
knows I was scared out of my mind to start a new business start a business pursue something new because what if this didn’t work out just like my
28:10
Rockstar dream then I I would be faced with another round of disappointment of chasing something else I wanted and
28:16
that’s a scary proposition whether that’s chasing another relationship or trying relationship again whether it’s trying to rebuild a business or whatever
28:23
you dream about again if you’ve been burned before it is really scary cuz yeah you might get disappointed but the
28:29
alternative is to live this safe insulated life that is so unfulfilling and so it’s void of risk
28:36
but it’s void of Joy well and a lot of times the safe risk isn’t even safe you
28:42
know I I I mean I I think Jim KY was talking about how his father had chosen
28:47
the safe route and didn’t go after his dream of being a comedian I think it was
28:53
or whatever it was he chose the safe route of of being an accountant or
28:59
whatever it was and then he was like 50 years old and was let go from that job
29:06
and so his safe route wasn’t even safe exactly and that was me like my I
29:11
was told by my guidance counselor at a 17 like you need to go to college I wasn’t going to go to college I had this whole argument with her in in the school
29:18
you need to go to college because that will let you get a good job because then that way you can like provide for your
29:23
family and have good benefits and have a great life and I was like no I’m going to be a rock star and so I chased the
29:29
Rockstar dream when that died and I had to go get a job uh multiple jobs and I I
29:34
was like well maybe she was right maybe the guy counselor was right and I was stupid and I should just play the safe route until the recession came four
29:40
years later and I lost two jobs in 10 months to your point I was like well okay so the safe route wasn’t very safe
29:46
was it I had good jobs I didn’t like them but at least I had them but even those aren’t guaranteed so safety is an
29:52
illusion and also safety it’s never as fulfilling as the thrill of chasing
29:58
after something that’s meaningful to you and and that’s so unique to you because it’s not like there is a buffet line of
30:05
what dreams you should choose from and those are your options like it is completely unique to you and your family
30:11
and your your makeup but that’s what’s going to give you the motivation to take the risk if you if you’re pursuing
30:16
something that’s meaningful to you like marriage is hard right I’m sure you would agree I’ve been married 24 years
30:23
it’s definitely the hard I’ve been married 24 years and I I always say I’ve done High net worth divorce litigation I’ve
30:30
built two seven figure businesses I’ve done all these other things being
30:36
staying married is definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done not that you know I don’t love my husband it’s
30:43
just that it takes a lot of work to show up communicate stay
30:51
present you have to do a lot to it’s
30:57
like a bond tree right you know you’re constantly um watering pruning paying
31:04
attention making sure you’re doing all the things you need to do it’s a lot
31:10
it’s a lot and so no one would look at that and say yeah I want to sign up for a lot of work I want to sign up to bonsai tree this guy for the next 24
31:16
years unless you thought it was something that was valuable to you and you wanted it in the end you’re willing
31:22
to deal with the challenges of it like we don’t start businesses or run our businesses or do YouTube or write books
31:29
just be like out of like if you told me what it’s going to take to write a book or be a YouTuber like I’d be like no
31:35
that’s a lot of work but because I desire the thing that the desire is stronger than the effort and the the
31:40
challenges and the pain I’m have to go through I’ll pursue it and that’s why I can’t tell someone what they should
31:46
pursue and dream about because if it’s not real for them there it’s not worth it it’s too much work so you got to get
31:52
into the dreaming again in that place of okay it may not seem possible for me
31:58
lost a lot of Hope but what would it look like if I started to dream again and that might not make your dream
32:03
naturally come true but it’s the beginning right that’s why it’s step one but it’s such a beautiful place when I see people get out of these
32:10
predetermined Paths of well this is the way life is really says you like you
32:16
know like what if you could think a little differently what if things could be different um I’m not saying it’ll be easy but if it could be would you be
32:23
interested in going down a different path and that’s I think what’s going to get people into to oh I could design
32:29
life I love the name of your show negotiate your best life I love like you can it does take negotiation with
32:36
yourself and with others but your best life is there it’s possible but you have to decide what it is first and then make
32:43
steps towards it and no one else is going to do that for you no one else is going to do that for you yes I I always
32:48
say no one is coming no one is coming you know people talk about narcissist all the time and how it’s not fair and
32:55
and how are they getting away with it well there’s no narc police that I’ll just show up in your
33:02
living room go hey you can’t do that you can’t say that right okay so
33:08
what’s the E so if the if the r is the 30,000 foot view resolving to dream again the E
33:15
takes it down on the ground let’s establish the outcomes you want in life establish the outcomes so now we get
33:22
specific right I have a dream but like what does it look like in your life and
33:28
so uh what I like to do is one of the exercises I like to take people through in the book and I do with clients is I
33:34
call the best three years of your life framework and I stole this question from Rich liten who’s a brilliant coach and I
33:40
I because it was the most helpful way for me to think about Vision so I’ve found it valuable to me and I shareed a
33:45
lot the idea being a lot of people have a 10-year Vision like 10year goals and to me it’s just way too far in the
33:52
future to be that motivated to for a decade from now it’s possible but so far in the future Plus I I don’t know what
33:58
life’s going to look like in 10 years I’m going to be a totally different person I I’m totally different than I was 10 years ago whereas one year
34:05
visions and goals are great for motivation like the New Year’s resolution like I’m gonna do this because it’s so close you can taste it
34:12
but it’s very easy to fall off track and get discouraged and people tend to like Tony Robin says overestimate what they can do in a year three years is kind of
34:20
a magical number so the question is like Rebecca you and I bump into each other three years from now we’re at a John
34:26
Gordon event or we’re hanging out out with Katherine and John were somewhere and I’m like Rebecca I haven’t seen you
34:31
in three years since we did that podcast together how the heck are you and you tell me gram this has been the best
34:38
three years of my life and I said that is that’s amazing like let’s grab a
34:43
coffee let’s sit down tell me all about it what’s happened why has it been the best three years of your life what would
34:48
you be telling me about what would have to be true for you to tell me straight
34:53
in the face Graham it’s been the best three years of my my life and there’s
34:59
there’s two things that are happening here one three things one it’s past tense so it forces you to to go to
35:05
another place in your mind and know you said you’re about to talk with Mike Zeller after our conversation he’s so good at getting you to think outside of
35:13
yourself and have create these new neural Pathways it’s one of the things he’s really great at it forces you to
35:18
think in past tense which is different okay it’s happened it’s happened in the past two it’s
35:24
open-ended you know it could be anything what would have to be true for you could be business related that might come up
35:29
for you it might be relationship related it’s very different so it lets you think big picture about your whole life
35:34
because we get so myopic about the one problem we have or the big pain point that we forget sometimes what we really
35:40
want out of all of life big picture so gets you to think holistically and three the time frame is Magic for me three
35:47
years is like it’s it’s not too far away in the future that I can’t really
35:52
visualize the kind of season of Life I’ll be in like I can tell you about the age my kids are going to be I it’s close
35:58
enough to my life that I’m probably going to be somewhat similar to how I am now I can do a little bit of forecasting
36:04
it’s not a complete guess but at the same time you and I both know Rebecca that we can do a lot of damage in 36
36:10
months in our lives like we can completely transform our body we can completely transform a marriage you can
36:15
completely transform your business or your finances in 36 months and so it’s a great window of time to start to get
36:22
specific about what would have to be true if it’s been the best three years of your life and that going to tell you
36:29
and I like to think about six core areas of life specifically your work like what
36:34
life looks like in your work or career your finances your time how you spend your time because that’s a more valuable
36:40
currency than your money uh your relationships your health both physical and mental and then your spirituality
36:45
those are the six core areas of life I would start to maybe dream about what would be true about all six of those areas three years from now for it to
36:52
have been the best three years of your life and that’s going to give you to your language a GPS like a very specific
36:57
spefic thing or outcome to start thinking about moving towards that’s unique to you that’s based off of what
37:04
you value uh it might seem impossible now but still we’re not at the we’re not at the implementation phase yet we’re
37:10
just at the clarity phase so do you want to
37:15
share what one thing that would be the best make it the
37:20
best three years of your life uh in uh
37:25
2027 so I have a a million things I’ll give you a couple one would be uh on the
37:31
career side I’m a New York Times best-selling author and I’m an in demand
37:37
keynote speaker at you know whatever my like rates that I want to have to be
37:42
reality in three years right so specific dollar amount in demand keynote speaker and there might have some specific
37:48
stages I want to be on uh in the family side of things what’s going to be true is I’ve spent more time with my
37:55
daughters in these next these last three years have in the previous 13 combined and I spend a lot of time with them my
38:00
oldest is 15 now so I’m thinking she’ll three years from now she’s going to be going off to college so I’m going to
38:05
look back and be like I spent more time with Khloe than I ever did I didn’t get too busy when she left the house like I
38:11
was actually more present than ever I wasn’t stressed about work I wasn’t actually trying to make a big name for
38:17
myself I just let it come to me I was I was super peaceful and full of joy like
38:23
I’m starting to think about the person I want to be also in that so I get real specific think about those outcomes as
38:28
well and then have some specific like trips I’ve taken and um we’ve purchased a beach condo because I really want a
38:35
place on the ocean I could just go to like that’s where I’d want to go write my next book that kind of stuff would come up for me in my three-year Vision I
38:43
love it oh so good all right so we’re running a little short on time so I want to get to the B and L like can you run
38:50
through those uh kind of quick yeah I’ll just give you a high level overview I’ll give you a high level overview so you start with the r and the E you’re you’re
38:56
dreaming again you’re establishing the outcomes but then we get to some of what we talked about earlier the B is break
39:03
break the negative thoughts habits and patterns that are holding you back and so this is where we do what I call an
39:08
inner story audit we talked about that loud default narrative versus The Quiet still Small Voice that’s inside of you
39:14
so so good that’s that’s an important one there before we add any new habits like you got to undo the old code so
39:21
that’s the B there’s some cool exercises there the second e is to engage in
39:27
rebellious new thoughts and habits and so this is the where we start to do different stuff I I talk about in the
39:33
book is the life change formula which I think believe it’s a four-step formula it’s believe think feel do so you have
39:41
to change your beliefs which leads to new thoughts which leads to new
39:47
feelings which leads to new actions and a lot of times people try to change the action first to change your feeling and
39:53
that’s some like State changing stuff that can be useful in the short term I totally get it like if you’re really pissed off like smile for a minute and a
40:00
half like and it’ll change how you feel on a shortterm level but long-term life change happens by belief change and
40:07
you’re thinking about different thoughts all the time and then you’re feeling different feelings because of those thoughts and you’ll start to do
40:12
different things and so I walk you through some strategies there of how to prime and protect your day something I
40:18
call Goal funnels of like how do you achieve those big goals and break it up in a way that is Meaningful on a
40:23
day-to-day level and then the L the final step and this is the hard hardest one for me Rebecca is let go it’s let go
40:30
of other people’s opinions and outcomes which is interesting because we established outcomes earlier and in the
40:36
end you have to let go of those outcomes because the outcomes give you a destination to move towards but then you
40:42
and I we we can’t control the future things aren’t going to go the way we expect so you got to hold them Loosely and I think John Gordon has this great
40:49
line of he wants you to focus on the process I think it’s in his book The Carpenter but he talks about it a lot
40:55
focus on the process not the outcome says if you love the process you will love what the process produces and one
41:02
of the things I’m trying to learn from John is to be more process focused like my daily actions as opposed to the
41:08
outcome and I’m very much an outcom driven person so letting go of the outcomes is part of how you live in peace when things are a bit messier than
41:14
you’d like them to be in real life and then two letting go of other people’s opinions and this is where I help people in the book create your own life values
41:21
or your family values so that you can be anchored to like what do we actually care about as a family or as an
41:26
individual because other people are going to have their thoughts and opinions and you have to be pretty certain about what yours are yeah I mean
41:34
I I love that and I always say like the people who are your authentic
41:40
Circle they’re going to love you they’re going to support you they’re going to be your
41:46
people and everybody else is
41:52
whatever you know I I always say stop trying to make not your people your people
41:58
people it’s hard it’s pointless yeah but some people are just not your people and
42:03
that’s okay you I you I I always say wish them well but over
42:10
there I love it yeah I love it so this is so great where can people learn more
42:17
about you or but what what before I get to that actually what would be a final thought what’s a final thing what’s
42:24
something that you really live by yeah man I would say outside of things
42:31
you can’t control and I’ll admit there are people and things you can’t control outside of those which I don’t think are
42:37
as much as you think I think there’s more control we have than we have more control than we think I think the
42:43
disappointments in life come from living out of alignment with the way we’re designed if if if I could beat anything
42:51
into your head today would be you were designed a very specific way and part of why you’re frustrated in one or all six
42:58
of those core areas of life is because you’re trying to live out of alignment with the way you’re wired it might be a
43:04
great way the someone else is wired and you’re copying or you’re mimicking or subconscious or someone told you to be this way but it’s going to be
43:11
frustrating until you decide to figure out who you are live in alignment with that and I believe at the core of that
43:17
alignment you’re going to get three wonderful things you’re going to get success however you define that you’re going to get satisfaction which is not
43:23
the same as success you can be successful and not satisfied and you’re going to be be of service to people you’re going to have the most impact in
43:30
the areas that you want to have impact if you find your uniqueness at the white hot Center of those three S’s and live
43:35
in alignment the way you’re designed so good and and you know the other thing about when you were talking
43:43
about outcomes I was thinking about how you don’t get your goals you get your standards right as far as how people
43:50
treat you and the things that you expect in your life too right
43:57
if you have a standard for yourself you have outcomes that you are defining for yourself you’ll get
44:02
them I love that yeah um so your book is I’m assuming
44:10
going to be available everywhere yep available right now depending when you listen to it
44:15
pre-order it’s available go to you know Amazon Barnes & Noble books a million if you go to the rebel
44:21
book.com wherever you decide to pre-order the book or purchase the book you can bring your receipt there I got a bunch of bonuses John and I did a video
44:27
Master Class teaching through the book um because he wrote the forward to it and it was is very instrumental in my
44:33
mind in the creation of this book and an inspiration also some of the exercises we talked about I pulled all the best
44:39
exercises out of the book and put them into a journal that you can download instantly and start working through those exercises and journal prompts
44:46
today uh even before you get your hands on the book but that’s all available for free if you pre-order the book anywhere
44:51
but take your receipt to the rebel book.com perfect and where Amer can
44:57
people follow you find you all that good stuff yeah on Instagram is mostly where I hang out isth gram Cochran otherwise
45:05
the Graham Cochran show wherever you get your podcasts or Graham cochran.com love it go check it out go get his book go
45:12
follow him such good stuff make sure you do and we’ll have links everywhere
45:20
everything in the notes too thank you Graham you’re am thank youca this is
45:26
awesome oh you’re amazing I’m so excited to continue to support you on your journey even if you’re not writing
45:31
another book quite yet take that break enjoy it but then when your next book does come out I’m excited for that one whatever it is oh thank you so good all
45:40
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