Everything You Need to Shut Down a Narcissist with Rebecca Zung on Negotiate Your Best Life #388

Disclaimer: Transcripts were generated automatically and may contain inaccuracies and errors.

N.Y.B.L. Podcast Ep 184 (Everything You Need to Shut Down a Narcissist)

[00:00:00] Rebecca Zung: Welcome to another episode of Negotiate Your Best Life. I’m Rebecca Zung. In this episode, we’re gonna be talking about everything you need to shut down a narcissist. How about that? Everything you need to shut down a narcissist. That’s pretty something. So, and speaking of everything you need to shut down a narcissist.

[00:00:23] I’ve got a couple of other really good things for you, some goodies. One is my brand new book, slay the Bully, how to Negotiate With a Narcissist and Win, which if you pre-order that now@slaythebully.com, you get early access to the entire manuscript. Plus you actually can get. Um, all kinds of other amazing bonuses, which you can check out there.

[00:00:51] So make sure you check those out@slaythebully.com. And also make sure that you check out my brand new [00:01:00] masterclass at Break Free From Hell, which is breaking free from hell. Take back your power emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I want you to shift that dynamic and take your power back. Now let’s dive in to this juicy brand new episode.

[00:01:20] So one of the things that you can say to a narcissist to shut them down permanently, as I don’t agree with you, but you have a right to your opinion, to be honest with you. They can say whatever they want to. They’re gonna lie. They’re gonna lie all the time. They’re pathological liars. Let them lie. Don’t try to constantly defend yourself.

[00:01:47] Don’t constantly try to go, that’s wrong. You are saying this. You are saying that. I know. Because when you’re constantly trying to push back against them, you are [00:02:00] causing yourself constant distress, okay? So don’t do that to yourself. Just say, I don’t agree with you. Okay? If that’s what you wanna think. All right?

[00:02:11] So just, I don’t agree with you. All right, that’s number one. Number two is you are entitled to that. You are entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to think what you wanna think. You know, let them think what they want to think. You are entitled to your faulty opinions. You are entitled to your distorted views if that’s what you wanna think.

[00:02:37] But you know, you do want to reinforce that you are not allowed to be disrespectful to me, and, and that’s something that you wanna constantly reinforce. You may think what you wanna think, but you are going to be respectful. So the conversation can continue as [00:03:00] long as you’re going to be respectful to me, right?

[00:03:04] So, You’re entitled to your opinion, but you’re gonna continue to be respectful to me while you’re having it. All right? So that’s the second one. Number three is we can agree to disagree and you know, one of the things that I would always say, especially when I was talking to opposing counsel, because I’m telling you what I would have to deal with opposing counsel who are often narcissists, let me tell you.

[00:03:33] And I would often say, you know, just because we disagree doesn’t mean that we have to be disagreeable. So that’s something else that you can say. We can agree to disagree, but we don’t have to be disagreeable. Again, continuing with this theme that you don’t have to be disrespectful because something else that’s never negotiable my self-respect, [00:04:00] my self-worth.

[00:04:02] Those things are never negotiable, right? And you know, they have their favorite catch phrases. I mean, they love to be saying certain types of things, right? Like everyone else thinks, or no one else thinks, you know, they say certain things to try to make you think a certain way. This is how you are shutting them down.

[00:04:26] And if you wanna know more about their favorite catchphrases, you can definitely check out my video on that topic. All right, so the next one is, I hear what you’re saying. You know, when you say that, you’re not acknowledging, you’re not saying yes. You’re not saying you agree, you’re not saying anything.

[00:04:46] You’re just saying, I heard you. A lot of times they just wanna be acknowledged. They just wanna know that you said something. So you just can say, I hear what you’re saying. I understand. I heard you. [00:05:00] Yes. Got it. Doesn’t mean you, you said yes. No, nothing. You just, I, I heard you. Yep. So that’s the next one.

[00:05:07] Your next one. It is. I’m sorry that you feel that way when you say that. You just acknowledging that they feel a certain way and it puts the feelings back on them. You are not saying that you agree. You’re just saying that that’s how they feel and you’re sorry that that’s how they feel. I like that one because you are now not no longer taking it personally, and you are starting to take back your power with that one, which I like as well, and it’s really starting to make you shut them down.

[00:05:49] You are starting to shift. You are starting to shift that dynamic, which is the most important thing. You’ve gotta start shifting that dynamic, [00:06:00] you know, you stop that conditioning, then you start moving forward a little bit. Then you start speaking. Those are the steps. The next one is that you just say nothing.

[00:06:13] A lot of times just saying nothing at all is really the best response. Just look at them. Really. That can be very, very powerful. It can be very, very powerful to just absolutely say nothing at all. The next one is you just say, no, I’m not going along with that. No, I don’t agree with you. No, I don’t believe you.

[00:06:40] Just plain old. No. The next one is, I trust that. I trust that you understand and because when you say, I trust that you kind of. Saying something that it’s like you’re using words like I trust, it’s a [00:07:00] neuro-linguistic programming word where you, you’re kind of getting them to agree with something. I trust that you and you go into a statement that they will allegedly agree with you on.

[00:07:14] Finally, the, the best way to shut them down is to just not engage with them at all. Just to like completely disengage and not give them any kind of supply and completely go no contact really, because they want that narcissistic supply. And so the more you. Engage with them. That’s what they really want.

[00:07:43] You know, they’re trying to bait you, they’re trying to trigger you. And so the more you take that bait, the more you take those triggers, the more that they feel like you’re, you’re still in that emotional situation with them [00:08:00] and you’re not shutting them down then. So the more you can say nothing, you know, the better it is.

[00:08:07] So, but the other things that you, you know, you can say, you can shut them down and eventually shut them down permanently, which is what you wanna do. The real way to shut them down permanently is to not engage with them at all and go no contact, which is the best way to shut them down permanently. Okay.

[00:08:27] So with all of that joy and lightness in mind, what can you do to manage this narcissist that may be in your life? So step number one is not to criticize them. You, you just don’t wanna directly criticize them. You may want to point things out, things like that. But if you are wanting this narcissist to actually be somewhat pleasant to you, then you definitely cannot criticize them in any way.

[00:08:56] They can’t take criticism, even if they [00:09:00] smell this, the, the little scent or aroma in the air of something that may be perceived as, as a criticism, they’re gonna come back on you like nobody’s business. So, and, and personally, I don’t, I’m not one to pander to people. I don’t really like having to do that.

[00:09:19] And so what I just tend to do is try to avoid the situation altogether. I don’t say, oh, you’re so wonderful. But I also try to stay away from criticizing, I mean, the bottom line is, you know, you, you wanna try to work this person out of your life, but you have to learn how to deal with them because you know there’s gonna be another narcissist that comes along unless you really learn how to deal with this.

[00:09:43] So I would just say, you know, try to stay away from directly criticizing this narcissist, or you’re going to, they’re not gonna take the criticism as a constructive feedback and incorporate it and make changes. [00:10:00] So you might as well just stay away from criticizing them. It’s not gonna make any difference anyway.

[00:10:05] Okay. So the second thing that you can do is not to ignore the narcissist completely. They hate being ignored. So, and I wouldn’t say play into every single bit of attention that they want, but this is, you know, on managing a narcissist, believe me, as I said earlier, I’m not one to Pandora. I hate that kind of stuff, and I really dislike it from narcissists and especially covert narcissists.

[00:10:32] But sometimes you have to deal with them. So this is how you manage their personality, right? And you’re managing them in a way so that you can survive, so that it’s the most pleasant it could possibly be for you. So number two is not to ignore them completely. They can’t stand that. They hate that they’ll, they’re gonna come back at you tenfold.

[00:10:53] They’re gonna drive you absolutely insane. So maybe what you do is you just give them enough of an [00:11:00] answer so that they, um, can, you know, feel like you got something, they got something out of you, but not so much that you feel like you’re pandering to them. Just remember that the narcissist is one of the most insecure people on the planet.

[00:11:17] And so without their ego, they feel like they cease to exist. So giving them some of what they want will help you go a long way toward getting what you want as well. Okay? And number three thing that you can do is stay disengaged. It’s so hard because they’re constantly manipulating you. They’re constantly trying to give you bait so that you take the bait that you, um, will get emotional, and then they know that they have you once, once you get emotional, they know they have you, and they’re constantly trying to manipulate you into their layer of control.

[00:11:55] And so by staying disengaged, you stay out of [00:12:00] that layer of control. Okay? So remember manipulation is they’re Gabe, and by not giving them a hundred percent of what. They want, um, you will help to shut them down or at least minimize their behavior, what to say to shut down that narcissist in your life. So remember that a narcissist want to control you.

[00:12:24] That’s how they get their feeling of narcissistic supply. That’s what feeds them is, you know, controlling you, intimidating you, making you feel awful. Debasing you, you know, Sending you into a panic. And if you wanna know how to make a narcissist panic, you should definitely check out my video on how to make a narcissist panic.

[00:12:45] You know, they wanna send you into that state of panic. They want you to be the one who’s like on the defensive all the time. And I help people negotiate with narcissists, negotiate with toxic personalities, [00:13:00] get the edge, get that leverage, figure out how to finally turn those tables, how to finally shift that dynamic.

[00:13:08] And so that you are the one feeling powerful because they want you to feel like you can never win. They want you to feel like it’s never going to end. And, and, and they will continue to do that as long as they’re getting some sort of narcissistic supply, which is, you know, that smug satisfaction, that they’re, they’re controlling you and getting the edge over you.

[00:13:34] They’re gonna continue to be in your life. And that’s why some of you have been dealing with these people for years and you know, they, they, they collect people as forms of supply. Like people collect jars of jam or something for the winter, you know, they line ’em up on the shelves and go, oh, I can get more supply out of this one.

[00:13:55] I can get more supply out of that one. So as long as they’re getting [00:14:00] some form of narcissistic supply from you, you’re going to continue to have to deal with them. It’s like, it, it, it’s, it’s like taking that fire and. Sucking all the oxygen away from it. That’s the only way that you’ll finally be able to shut them down.

[00:14:19] So the first way that you can shut down that narcissist is to just say no. And if you wanna know more about what happens when you say no to the narcissist, you should definitely check out my video on what happens when you say no to a narcissist, when you just say no. Um, what happens is, is that the narcissist is so used to controlling you.

[00:14:45] Um, they’ve set up this elaborate situation where you feel powerless, where you feel like, oh, I can’t, I can’t ever, you know, get away from this. And it, it’s almost, So foreign to you, it’s [00:15:00] like putting on somebody else’s clothes or somebody else’s shoes. You know, you’re thinking, ugh, I can’t, this just seems so strange to me.

[00:15:07] What’s gonna happen? You know, is the world gonna fall apart? Are they gonna lose control on me? Um, and if you wanna know what happens when a narcissist loses control, check out my video on that, but, Y you know, when you say no to a narcissist, it’s, it’s, it’s you starting to take back your power. It’s you starting to say, you know what, this is not okay.

[00:15:31] I’m gonna say no, I’m, I’m not gonna do that thing that you think that I should do. I’m not going to be that person that you think that I should be. I’m not gonna take the deal that you’re offering me. I’m not gonna take the, you know, the settlement proposal. I’m, I’m going to fight back. I’m gonna push back, I’m going to go for what I want.

[00:15:53] And yeah, maybe there might be some backlash from it, but. Even if you trigger their narcissistic rage [00:16:00] because you’ve, you’ve, you know, touched on their narcissistic injury in some way, just remember that the narcissist is always the worst right before they’re ready to give up. So just keep moving forward, keep moving forward.

[00:16:14] The narcissist is one of the most scared little people on the planet. The, the not so secret secret is that you are actually the stronger one. They didn’t attach themselves to you because you had no value. They attached themselves to you because you have so much value, because they can get that narcissistic supply from you.

[00:16:34] So try out just saying no to them for one or two things and see how it goes. The second thing is, I hear you all people want to feel seen, heard, and know that they matter. And I talk about that in my book, negotiate Like You Matter. Uh, it’s ac actually in my book matter is the acronym for how to negotiate an M actually stands for my value as defined [00:17:00] by me.

[00:17:00] You and you alone define your value. We all want to know that we matter. Um, that’s all part of being human. And you know, in some ways we all have like a narcissist in us. But it’s, it’s, it’s not, we don’t use that word because what, what narcissism really is, is when it gets to the pathological sta stage where, um, You know, they can’t see anybody but themselves and they can’t feel anything for anyone but themselves.

[00:17:30] Um, and so they just constantly, you know, doing whatever they can to feel that. So if you say, I hear you, it actually kind of softens them a little bit and they stop, like barking right at you and going right, right after you. Um, because they feel seen, heard and they know that they matter. Sometimes it’s called narcissistic fluffing, where you fluff up their ego a little bit.

[00:17:54] You know, you can give them a little compliment or something just to get what you want, um, in [00:18:00] exchange for something, but just saying, I hear you. That will help to shut them down. The next thing is, um, I saying I trust you or I trust that. Um, and it’s, it’s kind of like, uh, what I talk about in my book, which is embedded commands where you’re basically kind of telling them how you feel.

[00:18:21] I trust that you care about the children. I trust that you want, um, a, a good settlement. Um, this is all part of what I talk about with ethically manipulating the manipulator. That’s a really, really important part of how you get to, um, slaying the narcissist in negotiation. And I talk about my slay methodology and my program, which is slay your negotiation with a narcissist.

[00:18:49] So strategy, leverage, anticipate, and focus on you. Um, but when you say, you know, I trust you, or I trust that you’re kind of [00:19:00] like putting. Uh, thoughts out there that, uh, they can’t disagree with. So it helps to shut them down. The next one is say nothing. Just continue to look at them, let them rant, let them rave.

[00:19:14] Just, you know, put yourself in a situation as if you’re watching it in a movie or you’re watching a scene on a, a stage on a, in a play, or you’re watching a two year old have a tantrum on the floor. You’re just going, okay, you know, I’m watching you so you don’t say anything and saying nothing, just absolutely drives them crazy.

[00:19:34] And it helps to shut them down because eventually there’s nothing to fight with. There’s no bait, there’s nothing more that they can use. And, you know, sometimes it takes a tremendous amount of restraint to do this, but. Just try it out and see what happens. Just say nothing. The next one is everything is okay.

[00:19:53] Um, this, you know, makes them feel like, Hey, we’re in this together. We’re gonna figure this out [00:20:00] together. It’s all right. I mean, you’re, you’re sort of treating them like a, a toddler because they really are like toddlers. They kind of never really grew out of that stage of, you know, the toddler’s creed.

[00:20:12] What’s mine is mine. What’s yours is mine. Everything is mine. Um, if I wanted, it’s mine. If, you know, even if I threw it away, it’s still mine. Um, but you know, that’s the old toddler’s creed. In this instance, you’re just sort of saying, it’s okay. Everything’s okay. We’ll figure this out. You can just calm down, you know?

[00:20:31] And, and that’s, again, you’re not giving them anything to push back on, you know, how can they, um, argue with that? And the last one is my absolute favorite, which is drum roll please. No contact. Get rid of them out. Goodbye. Bye Felicia. See you later. Hopefully never, um, have a nice life, [00:21:00] but have it away from me.

[00:21:02] And that’s what I had to do with the narcissist in my life. And thankfully, I haven’t had to talk to them for a long time. And hopefully you won’t either. Um, just suck that oxygen away from that fire. Do not give them anything that they can use. Goodbye. You know, enjoy your life somewhere else away from me.

[00:21:27] And I have to tell you, from my perspective, what I’ve had to do as well is stay away from even the people that I know are in that pers those people’s lives. Um, you know, I, it, it’s unfortunate. There were people that I liked, there were people that I would’ve wanted to stay in touch with, but I cannot have any contact or even contact with their flying monkeys or, or anyone in, in their world because it, you know, my peace of mind, my life is not [00:22:00] worth what it would take to be involved with anything to have to do with those narcissists.

[00:22:05] And I promise you it will get. So much better, and I promise you that I’ve helped so many people get past narcissists by negotiating their way out of those relationships and getting the settlement that you deserve. That’s fair. That’s equitable. I’ve been able to turn it around. It’s part of karma. It’s part of quantum law.

[00:22:28] You can do this. You can absolutely put your mind to this and get where you want to get. Okay, so let’s talk about those phrases that to shut down narcissists that silence them and get them to stop with what they’re doing with you. All right, so the first one is, may surprise you actually, and that is, I agree with you.

[00:22:52] You know, sometimes you can just say, I agree with you and you’re not actually really even agreeing with them. You can even say things [00:23:00] like, I agree that that’s what you think. I agree that that’s your perception. I agree that that’s what you just said. You don’t even have to say anything. You’re really not even agreeing with anything.

[00:23:13] But you can just say, I agree with you. And you do have to be careful sometimes if you’re going to agree with them. And you could say, yep, I agree. I am a terrible mother, or I agree I’m awful in business, or something like that. You just have to be careful that you don’t agree with things like that that could potentially hurt you down the road.

[00:23:32] You certainly, definitely don’t wanna agree to any of these things in writing that will, you know, because remember, every writing is a potential trial exhibit. Everything you put your hand to, just a little side note, little tip there for you. So you know, just remember that narcissists are. Using certain phrases to manipulate you all the time.

[00:23:54] And so there’s a way that you can kind of ethically manipulate the manipulator by shifting it [00:24:00] around. Uh, and if you do wanna know more about phrases that narcissists use, toi manipulate, you definitely check out my video on that topic. Um, so number one is I agree with you. Number two is, I’m sorry that that’s what you think.

[00:24:18] You, you, you basically, it’s sort of the same kind of principle as I agree with you. You’re not really saying you’re sorry, you’re saying I’m sorry. That’s what you think. I’m sorry. That’s what you believe. I’m sorry that we are in this situation. I’m sorry that this happened. I’m sorry that we aren’t able to agree on anything.

[00:24:38] I’m sorry that, you know, we seem to be so far apart in our positions, you know, just both. I agree with you and I’m. Sorry, are just sort of ways that kind of disarm them. They, they’re, they’re thrown off by, by that just a little bit. And it also gives them some of that adulation that they desperately [00:25:00] need because they’re always, you know, on the hunt for that narcissistic supply.

[00:25:04] So those are the, the, the first two. I agree with you. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry. That’s what you think. I’m sorry that we’re here. So that’s number two. Number three is you have every right to your opinions. Again, you’re kind of taking yourself out of this situation. You wanna start to get to a place where you’re not engaged, where you’re not triggered, where you’re not emotionally pulled into this thing.

[00:25:31] Narcissists are trying really hard to trigger you, especially in negotiations, because then they wanna try to get you, you, you know, like. You know, negotiating with a narcissist is like getting arrested. Uh, everything you say and do will definitely be used against you, so you wanna make sure that you are.

[00:25:50] Disengaging and, and putting yourself in a place where you’re just almost kind of observing the situation and by saying things like, you have a right to your

[00:26:00] opinion, you’re, you’re almost taking yourself out of the situation and just observing them. So that’s number three. Number four is, Is is in that same vein as far as the emotional side of things.

[00:26:13] It’s, I can see that you are and then insert whatever it is you are observing them. I can see that you are angry. I can see that you are frustrated. I can see that you are upset by doing this. You are actually acknowledging their feelings that which they want. They, you know, they want to be the center of attention.

[00:26:33] And it also helps you because you are now starting to disengage, you are observing the situation. And the more you can do that, as I said, the more power you will have, the more emotionally charged you are, the less. Power you have, the less leverage you have. Remember, you’re trying to create leverage in this situation.

[00:26:56] And if you wanna know more about creating leverage and negotiations [00:27:00] with narcissists, definitely check out my video on that topic as well. But you know, sometimes you’ll even start to see them break down. You’ll start to see them collapse and you know that will actually start to help you. The more you start to silence them, the more you start to shut them down, the less control they’ll have and the more mistakes they will actually start to make.

[00:27:22] Okay, so, uh, the next one is, uh, if you wanna talk now, then I will insist that you are calm and respectful. That’s really, really important that you are. Setting those boundaries that you are making sure you’re drawing a line in the sand. Just write set boundaries so that you can remind yourself that that’s what you’re starting to do here, that you’re starting to disengage.

[00:27:51] So, you know, you can say, I’m, I’m willing to negotiate a contract with you. I’m willing to negotiate this deal with you. But [00:28:00] there are certain things that are just not negotiable and self res, my self respect that ain’t negotiable. Okay, so, Set boundaries. Right. Okay. Next one is, I believe that’s how you feel.

[00:28:14] So again, you’re saying, I believe you. I believe that’s how you feel. I believe that’s your perception. I believe that’s your position. I believe that that’s what you think happened. All of those things are acknowledging what they’re saying, but you’re not really doing anything. So, but it helps to silence them.

[00:28:34] It helps to shut them down because they’re, they don’t know what to do with that. They know what to do with pushing against you because then they can push back and they can manipulate back, and they can do underhanded things, and that’s what they want. They want to drag you down into that mud with them.

[00:28:50] So the next one is, that’s an interesting perspective. You’re not saying anything with that other than I heard that you [00:29:00] said words. Right. It’s like, that’s an interesting perspective. Okay. That’s what you said. Got it. All right. So that’s the next one. And the next one is this approach or this conversation is not working for me.

[00:29:17] And so, you know, and I have said that, I mean, I’ve said that to, I said that to a lawyer one time who wanted me to become part a partner in his particular firm. And I was like, listen, I, I really like you and I, I love your practice and your partners or whatever, but you know, this situation is not working for me.

[00:29:37] This situation is not going to work for me. And you know, there’s really nothing you can say back to that. I mean, you’re not accusing the other person of doing anything. You’re not saying you are wrong. For me, you’re saying the situation doesn’t work for me and again, or the approach doesn’t work for me, or this [00:30:00] conversation is not working for me.

[00:30:01] Again, keeping yourself re. Respect your dignity, your self-worth, right up here, right at the forefront. Those things are not negotiable. Certain things are negotiable. Those are not negotiable. So those are the eight phrases that I have for you that will. Silence those narcissists, they won’t know what to do with it.

[00:30:22] It will wobble them, it will take them off their game, and it’ll help you actually feel much more powerful in the negotiations. Let’s talk today about how to checkmate that narcissist. If you, especially when you’re a negotiating with them, you really wanna try to grab the edge. You really wanna try to change it around.

[00:30:41] I kind of often think about it as like, you’re, you’re tug, you’re, you’re, you’re playing tug of war and you know, where is that rope? Right? You know, is it in the middle and, and or is it kind of going back and forth? Or are you just feeling like, you know, They’re just, you’re about to [00:31:00] lose over here. You’re about to fall on the ground cuz they’ve got you pulled so far.

[00:31:03] Right? Or, or I guess they would be the one falling on the ground, but you’re the one who’s about to fall on the ground the other, in their turf, right? Because you just feel like you just can’t get on top of it. You can’t, uh, seem to figure out how to get it going in the other direction. And I, and I know a lot of times you do feel like you are constantly on the defensive.

[00:31:26] You feel like you’re constantly like that turtle on the back of your shell and they’ve got their foot on you, right? And you’re, you arms and legs are up in the air. But there is definitely a way to shift that power shift, that power dynamics. So that you finally feel like you’re the one who is in control.

[00:31:45] So the first thing that you can do, and we’ve talked about this before, but it’s really, really important that you understand that you need to put super strong boundaries into place. I’ve had to deal with a couple of narcissists in my own life. It [00:32:00] has been super toxic. It was super horrible. It was very traumatic.

[00:32:04] It took over my brain, it took over my life. And my, my narcissists weren’t even as a husband. It was, um, a business partner and a family member. So, but it’s still like absolutely horrible. I, I mean, I’m actually an empath at heart and, you know, so I was constantly feeling every single piece of it and I. I, I obsess over it and I ruminate over it, and it just is so horrible.

[00:32:32] So developing those super strong boundaries is a really good way to kind of get going with it and start to put, take that toxicity away from you so that you can start to heal and you can start to get your brain back, um, because it’s almost like deprogramming, you know, like you’ve been programmed and, and traumatized by these people so much.

[00:32:55] So how do you do that? How do you put strong boundaries into place? Well, one of [00:33:00] them is definitely going to be not engaging with them. I mean, you know, at least to the extent that you’re, you know, you can, so at least minimal engagement, keep your conversations with them, brief, keep them on topic, the things that you actually need to talk to them about.

[00:33:19] Um, so that’s definitely one way you can have strong boundaries. Another way you can have strong boundaries is bye. Setting parameters, you know, okay, we’ll talk, but we’re gonna talk about this. This is the topic we’re not gonna talk about. Anything else other than that, uh, one of the things that I also did that, you know, to set boundaries that I found really effective is blocking, um, these people on social media so that you’re not constantly looking at them, especially if you know that they’re trying to post stuff that’s going to, um, trigger you or try to.

[00:33:54] Show you how wonderful their life is, or that they’ve moved on, or they have somebody else, or they’ve [00:34:00] got other things going on in their business and you’re not included in that, you know, these bullying tactics, uh, just block them. Just block them all, you know, block them so that you don’t have to look at it so that they’re not looking at your stuff and you can just, you know, start to move on with your life.

[00:34:17] Um, the other way that you can have really super strong boundaries is to find one form of communication. And email is definitely best. I would definitely say that, um, it’s, it’s the easiest form of communication that potentially down the road could be used as a trial exhibit if you need to. Text messages tend to be long running things, and it’s sometimes there’s not always a time and date stamp and sometimes the entire conversation’s not always included there.

[00:34:48] So, you know, I would definitely say email is optimum. The next thing that you can do to checkmate that narcissist and try to shut them down is, uh, using phrases that shut them down. [00:35:00] One of the things that you can say is something like, I agree. That’s what you think. I agree that that’s how you feel.

[00:35:06] You’re not agreeing with anything when you say that, but you’re, you’re making them think you’re agreeing with something. Right? Um, another way to do that is, I understand that that’s your perception. I understand that that’s your position. I understand you’re, you know, thoughts on this. And again, you’re, you’re, you’re not really doing anything by saying that, but you’re just kind of disarming them.

[00:35:31] It takes them off their game, it makes them wobble. They’re like, oh, what do, what do they say? And they’re kind of, you’re sort of lulling them into thinking that you’re kind of going along with them. Um, and then the next one is, I’m sorry. That’s what you think. I’m sorry. That’s your perception. I’m sorry.

[00:35:47] That’s your position. I’m sorry. That’s how you feel. I’m sorry that we’re in this situation. Um, these are all phrases that you can use to shut them down. And I have a lot more on these, in my phrases to shut [00:36:00] down narcissist. So definitely check that out. All right, so next thing that you can do is control your emotions.

[00:36:07] Um, by controlling your emotions, you’re starting to break free of them. You’re starting to, uh, not allow them to trigger you anymore. All right, so the ne you know, in, in controlling your emotions, one of the ways that you can do it is kind of see it as a game. Uh, I interviewed Judge Lynn Toler, and you can definitely check out that video if you’d like, but one of the things that she said was, see it as a game.

[00:36:36] Kind of make it fun. Not, not that it is a game, not that it’s. Like, not a serious situation, but kind of getting yourself psyched into, you know, not feeling so like this is life or death all the time. You know, you, you sort of like watch the words go by you or sort of watch them as if they’re two year olds having a tantrum on the floor.

[00:36:58] Because the more that you can do this, the [00:37:00] more that you can disengage, the less power they’re going to have over you and the negotiations, the less chance you’ll have to be triggered and the more power you’ll have in your own right, and the more firm that you will feel in your position, and you’ll start to build your confidence in the whole thing.

[00:37:16] And your mindset is so, so important. The more confident you feel, the better that you will be. Remember that people will think what you tell them to think. So you want them to believe that you are strong, you are powerful, and that you are going to win this thing. All right? So, and then the last thing that you can do to checkmate a narcissist is to go no contact completely.

[00:37:38] The way I look at it is like erase them from the cpu like they never existed in your life. You were doing fine before you. They came along, you can do fine when they’re gone, just like as if they didn’t even exist. So to the extent that you possibly can. Obviously if you’re co-parenting with a narcissist, you’re still gonna have to see, see their face.[00:38:00]

[00:38:00] But maybe not. Maybe you can just, you know, parallel parent and, you know, use some kind of parenting app and not even have to see them, but, or, you know, or if it’s a family member or whatever. You just try to keep it as brief as possible and go back to some of the other things I said. But if you can go no contact completely, that’s the plum, that’s the best way to do it.

[00:38:21] That is for sure. That is what definitely helped me, and I know it will definitely help you too. 10 freezes to shut down those narcissists. All right, so number one. Number one is, I can see that you are upset. I like this one because you are basically, you’re just observing to them. I also like this one because it also helps you to kind of divorce yourself from it, step away from it so that you can sort of breathe and.

[00:38:53] Put a little bit of space between you and that emotion so that you are just kind of like [00:39:00] looking at it. You’re just observing it as if you are now a third party observer. Like it’s just something that you are seeing, but you’re not actually engaging in it and it’s not really part of you. It’s just something that you’re watching.

[00:39:16] I can see that you are upset. I can see that this is something that you are angry about. I can see that maybe this is something that we need to talk about later when you are more calm. So it is a great way for you to also step back, but it is also a way to shut them down in that moment. So that’s number one.

[00:39:42] Number two is a way to to it, so that. They don’t feel so like isolated cuz narcissists don’t wanna feel called out. So number two is we can both work together on this. Now I know what you’re thinking. [00:40:00] I don’t wanna work together with a narcissist on this. I know you don’t want to, but all I’m saying is they don’t wanna feel called out.

[00:40:10] So sometimes you have to make it feel them, feel like we’re all together and we’re on the same side and we’re doing this together, you know, so that they don’t feel like they’re being called out. Even if you’re not necessarily doing this, remember what I always say, ethically manipulating the manipulator.

[00:40:32] So even if you don’t feel like it, You sometimes you have to take your ego out of it and you can say things like, we’re working together on this. Just so that they feel like they’re not being called out on this. Okay? So that’s number two. We can both work together on this so they feel like it’s a we instead of a you.

[00:40:54] Right? So that’s number two. Number three is, I hear you. [00:41:00] Hey, all people want to feel seen, heard, and know that they matter. But narcissists especially, what do they need more than anything They wanna feel like? Adulation, you know, so sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to give them that. And you know, I call it bartering, sometimes you hear it becau, you know, being called like narcissistic, fluffing a flu, fluff up their ego a little bit like you’re fluffing up a, a pillow.

[00:41:30] I always say, you don’t do this all the time. And, and you have to be doing this strategically because I know some, some of you’ve given and given, given and given, given, like, you got nothing left to of yourself to give. So you have to make a choice where you’re only doing this, where you’re saying, I’m making a decision to do this because I, I’m gonna do this right now in order to get something in return.

[00:41:59] [00:42:00] So sometimes you need to say, I hear you in that moment. Because you are going to get something in return at, at that moment as well. And this is especially true when you are in a negotiations setting for sure. Right. So that’s number three. Number four, I like this one too because especially when, when the emotions get high and and intense and red hot, how do you calm them down?

[00:42:32] You can say things like, I have no right to control how you see me. Okay, fine. You can say whatever you want about me. I have no right to control how you see me. You, you know the old sticks and stones. You break my bones. You can say whatever you want. I have no right to control how you see me, so you can say whatever, and it’s great because they’re starting [00:43:00] to recognize at that point that you’re not going to be moved by how they perceive you or the things that.

[00:43:11] They say about you, you can say that I have no control how you see me, or the things that you say. Um, and that will kind of shut them down because you’re, they’re starting to realize that you’re, you, they’re not getting an emotional rise out of you, which is the thing that they want more than anything because that’s, that’s the payoff for them when you get upset, that gives them narcissistic supply.

[00:43:40] And then that’s the, the payoff that they want. Okay? So when you don’t give them that, then uh, they don’t get that payoff. So that’s number four. Number five, I’m not upset with you. I, again, you’re shutting them down because you’re not giving them that supply. [00:44:00] That is also a way to shut them down. Anytime you are cutting off that supply source, that’s when you are starting to shut them down, because that’s their food, that’s their oxygen, that’s their life blood, and they’re always trying to say things.

[00:44:21] To trigger you to try to get that su supply out of you, to try to get that rise out of you to try to rile you up. And if you wanna know more about the kinds of things that they say, you can definitely check out my video called narcissist favorite catchphrases, cuz there’s a lot of things that they say to try to get you riled up.

[00:44:44] All right, number six. Number six is your approach is not working for me. You know, the kinds of things that you’re saying, the kinds of things that you’re doing. If you’re trying to get something from me here, if whatever it is that you’re trying to [00:45:00] get me to do, you know, it’s not working for me. So, You know, you’re not gonna be getting what you want from me, so perhaps you might wanna try a different approach.

[00:45:11] So that’s number six. Number seven. Number seven is, you can disagree with me, but you have no right. I. To disrespect me. I like this. I used to have to say this kind of thing to opposing counsel sometimes when I was litigating on a regular basis. Like, we can disagree without being disagreeable, and you can disagree with me, but we don’t have to be disrespectful.

[00:45:35] We can disagree, but perhaps we just need to take this up with the judge. You know, I mean, I, I, I used to have to say this kind of thing to other lawyers, but you know, when you’re dealing with narcissists, they love to go low. They love to do the low blow thing. They love to make it personal right away, and.

[00:45:56] It’s up to you to set that standard, to [00:46:00] set that bar, because they’re not gonna do it. You have to do it. I mean, you don’t get your, your, your goals. You set your standards. You do. And you know, they start treating you based on how you’ve allowed them. I mean, you know, they, they’ve conditioned you to a certain extent, and so you have to kind of recondition them based on how you’re gonna allow yourself to be, um, treated.

[00:46:26] So just decide, you know, Hey, I, you can disagree with me, but you don’t have the right to disrespect me. So, Number eight is what you are saying does not align with the facts. What you were saying does not align with the facts. I I don’t think I need to say anything more with that. Right? You mean sometimes they don’t even necessarily care cuz narcissists just lie sometimes they lie about things that are readily verifiable and things they don’t even necessarily need to lie about, which is pretty crazy [00:47:00] to me.

[00:47:00] Next one is, I agree with you. I love this one because you can even agree with things that aren’t even necessarily where you’re agreeing. Like you can say, I agree with you that we are never going to agree. I agree with you that that’s your opinion. I agree with you that, that that’s what you think. I agree with you that that’s what you believe.

[00:47:22] So that is number nine and number 10. Number 10 is, Goodbye. Number 10 is I’m walking away. Number 10 is, see ya later, or never, you know that, that’s really the best one. Honestly. I mean, when you can get to a point where you are not ever having to talk to this person ever again in your life, and you can really shut them down completely, that’s really the best.

[00:47:53] Honestly. I mean, not everybody can get to that point. There are times in your life when you do have to continue to have this [00:48:00] person in your life. You know, I, I get that because of, you know, children or family, or maybe, you know, there is a business or there is, you know, stuff that’s going on in your life that is impossible to completely walk away.[00:49:00] [00:50:00] [00:51:00] [00:52:00] [00:53:00] [00:54:00] [00:55:00]

[00:55:25] So one of the things that you can do to shut down this smear campaign. Is really to just. Ignore it and, and just not give it any life. Don’t feed the fire, don’t go back to the other person and try to correct things or whatever. Um, if they’re saying things in court, you know, like let’s say they said things in a pleading or in emotion or something like that, you can respond in a way that you need to respond to maybe formally, you know, with a denial, uh, in a pleading or something like that.

[00:55:59] Or you can [00:56:00] potentially wait until you ha, ha have to testify or, or be in a deposition. And then allow your attorney to ask the proper questions to elicit your response so that you can actually, um, respond to whatever it is that they might have said if, if it’s necessary to even respond. But sometimes, you know, they can send you this super long email about how you are, you know, a deadbeat or a drug abuser or a.

[00:56:27] Wife beater or whatever it is that they’re saying, and you know, and then maybe there’s one kernel in there of something that you need to respond to, like what time to pick up the kids or something. And you can just say, I deny all of your allegations. I’m in receipt of your email. I deny all of your allegations.

[00:56:45] Thank you very much. I will see you on Wednesday at three to pick up the kids and, and just leave it like that. And don’t feel like you have to respond to every single thing that they say. Because if you do, then you get sucked into the [00:57:00] mud. You get sucked into the vortex, and now you’re in it. And now your emotions are running wild.

[00:57:06] Now they’ve got that narcissistic supply that they’re looking for. So just something, for the most part, just ignore it. And it’s really, really hard. And I’ve had to do this, I’ve had a couple of narcissists that have targeted me, and I know that smear campaigns have gone on and I’ve just made a decision that, you know, I can’t control what the narcissist is going to say to other people.

[00:57:32] There’s no way other than maybe duct taping their mouth and putting, shoving them in the basement that you can never stop them from saying what they’re gonna say. I mean, they’re just awful people. So you can’t control them, but you can control your response to it. And so just ignore them and understand that they’re gonna do what they’re gonna do, but you can also do what you’re going to do.

[00:57:57] All right. The next thing that you can do to [00:58:00] shut down a narcissist smear campaign is create your own life. Create your own new beginning. Create your own new future, and just move forward. And don’t give that any power or any more energy. By creating your own new life. One of the things that I learned how to do to pivot was I realized that as long as I’m thinking about what the narcissist is saying, doing, or, or engaging in, I am not in creation mode.

[00:58:29] I am not doing something that serves my soul and serves humanity and serves the world. And that’s our purpose here on this planet. We are here to, to grow, to learn, to expand into the best versions of ourselves and. If you are mired in what is the narcissist doing? And, and all up in that, first of all, it doesn’t allow you to be in creation mode or positive mode because you can’t be in both at the same time.[00:59:00]

[00:59:00] But second of all, quantum law tells us that what you think about multiplies what you appreciate, appreciates. And so if you are thinking about what that narcissist is doing, saying and engaging in, you are going to get more of that into your life. Like a attracts like, it’s a law of physics and you’re, your thoughts are energy.

[00:59:24] So as long as you’re, you are giving energy to those thoughts, you are going to get more of that. You’re gonna get more of whatever it is that you’re thinking about in your life. So start doing what you need to do to, to have gratitude for the wonderful things that are happening in your life and just.

[00:59:42] Start pivoting. It’s like soon as you find yourself thinking about what that narcissist is doing, I want you to just stop and go, oh my God, there I am. I’m thinking about this. Let me think about something else. Let me pivot towards something else. Let me have this project that I’m working on. Write that book that you’ve always wanted [01:00:00] to write, create that, that charity you’ve always wanted to create or, or do whatever it is that you need to do to focus yourself on something amazing and positive.

[01:00:11] You know, maybe it’s taking your experience with this narcissist that you’re, you’re dealing with and helping other people, you know, start a blog or something like that. Start a support group. Get yourself into a place where you can start being in a more positive mode. Uh, I do have a private Facebook group.

[01:00:32] Join that. That will help you as well help you pivot. It’s called narcissist negotiators with Rebecca Zung. And you can definitely join that and start to get yourself into a positive mode of thinking instead of that negative mode of thinking. And that is one way to really shut down that narcissist smear campaign because you know, once you’re no longer giving them supply, then they’re no longer going to be interested.

[01:00:59] They’re just [01:01:00] like predators looking for supply everywhere they can. And if they’re not getting it from you, then they won’t be interested anymore. They will wanna have to go get it from somewhere else. So if you’re dealing with a narcissist, be it. A covert narcissist, a grandiose narcissist, or a malignant narcissist.

[01:01:19] They, they engage in all kinds of behaviors, even while you are just in a relationship with them. They’re gaslighting you, they’re lying to you, they’re manipulating you. Um, you know, perhaps even being abusive more than, more than likely they’re being abusive. Um, some are sneakier at it than others. Covert narcissists in particular are very sneaky at it.

[01:01:45] And so if you are dealing with a cot narcissist, I have several videos on co, on covert narcissists, including why covert narcissists are dangerous. The covert, passive aggressive narcissist, and you’re gonna wanna check out [01:02:00] those videos, uh, for sure if you’re dealing with covert narcissists. But whatever kind of narcissist you’re dealing with, they are being their narcissist selves the entire time that you’re in a relationship with them.

[01:02:14] So there are different, there are three phases to a narcissistic relationship. It’s love bombing, devaluing and discarding. And remember that. The, the phases of the relationship don’t actually happen in a linear fashion. They happen at, uh, the same time. Sometimes they can be devaluing you while they’re love bombing you.

[01:02:39] And in fact, there was a study done by a psychologist with monkeys that showed that if monkeys were given a reward for doing something good every single time, nothing happened in their brain. But if they were only given a reward intermittently, variably, where the [01:03:00] monkeys couldn’t predict when they were going to get this reward, the the dopamine levels in their brain actually rose to the level of someone on cocaine.

[01:03:11] And that’s what happens with a relationship with narcissists. They go back and forth. The narcissists go back and forth between love bombing and devaluing and love bombing and devaluing. And so you are left with. Almost being addicted to, in a physiological way, to wanting their praise, to wanting their, that love bomb because they start out so charming and they really try to set themselves up to be the perfect person for you and hold out all these things that they’re gonna do for you or, um, even do things for you right at that time.

[01:03:51] I mean, if you ever watched the Dirty John mini series, you, you recall that that guy was just setting himself to be per up to be [01:04:00] perfect for this successful single business woman. He was getting her dry cleaning and making smoothies for her in the morning and all these things at the same time that he was isolating her from her family and, uh, turning people against her.

[01:04:17] So, Um, you know, they go through these phases of the relationship. So what happens when you are doing battle with a narcissist is they just become that same person, but on steroids. So it’s so much worse they turn up the heat because unfortunately for narcissists, you know, you’re either for them or you’re against them.

[01:04:44] They need an endless amount of supply, and if you are cutting off that, Supply to them, then they, um, just see you as the enemy. Um, and for those of you who watch my videos on a [01:05:00] regular basis, you know, that I’ve had to work two covert narcissists out of my life. And it was not an easy thing. It wasn’t husbands, but it was people that were close to me and close enough to do serious damage and cause lots and lots of trauma.

[01:05:16] And you know, I’m telling you that if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. Um, narcissists have a symbiotic relationship with empaths and, you know, narcissists see that empaths have the qualities that they want. And empaths, you know, we just think that we can love everybody back to health. And, um, you know, that we have enough love to give and it just ends up being this black hole.

[01:05:42] And so they, they literally, you know, they’re often called energy vampires or leeches or parasites or whatever, but they do, they literally suck the life out of you and it’s almost like death by a thousand cuts. And so, [01:06:00] When you go to do battle with a narcissist, they’re literally, um, turning up the heat because now you’re the enemy.

[01:06:10] Now you no longer have any value for them. So there’s no like a reasonable person. Those of us who are in reasonable land, we think, oh, we can just walk away and wish each other well, and we’ll come up with an agreement that’s, um, reasonable and hey, the law provides for, uh, certain things and you know, depending on what kind of battle you’re doing within narciss success.

[01:06:34] But, um, You can’t, that’s not how it goes with a narcissist. So if you’re getting ready to do battle or you’re in the trenches of doing battle with a narcissist, there are a few things that you can do to beat them at their own game and preserve your own sanity along the way. The first thing is don’t allow them to disrespect you.

[01:06:58] When you allow them to [01:07:00] disrespect you, you’re basically giving them permission to do that. And, um, they know how to push your buttons. Let me tell you. I mean, especially if you’ve been in a long-term relationship with this person, they’ve studied you. They know exactly what your weaknesses are. And so that’s where they’re gonna go.

[01:07:21] They’re going right there to, um, to, to try to make you look as bad as possible. Everything you say or do is going to be turned against you, used against you, twisted, manipulated, so, What you’re gonna have to do is adjust, maintain your own level of dignity, maintain your own level of respect, and demand respect from them.

[01:07:43] If they are screaming, yelling, trying to talk to you in a way that’s overly emotional, um, and they’re not in control. They want you to be out of control too because they get supply, they get narcissistic supply by seeing [01:08:00] you squirm. So by just maintaining that, Hey, we’re not gonna have this conversation, you’re not being respectful to me.

[01:08:08] This is not productive. We’ll have this conversation when you can be respectful to me. Um, you know, same thing if they are lighting you up in text messages or lighting you up in emails, um, and saying all sorts of disrespectful things. You can just simply respond and say, uh, I just agree with what you’re saying.

[01:08:30] Um, please do not speak to me that way. It is disrespectful and, you know, and then respond to the parts of it that you might have to respond to. Like, what time are you picking up the kids? Or something like that. But other than that, you’re not going to get into the trenches with them and, uh, sling that same sort of mud.

[01:08:48] You’re gonna demand respect from them, and you’re gonna condition them that that’s, this is how it’s gonna go. If you, if they want you to interact with them, they’re gonna have [01:09:00] to respect you, and it’s gonna drive them insane when you do that. Believe me. Okay. The next thing that you can do is document, document, document.

[01:09:10] And we cannot say this enough, those of us who are in this field and professionals in this area, uh, it, it just, you just never know what’s going to end up being your leverage. And when you’re dealing with narcissists, you have to have a super strong strategy. And you have to be able to create leverage.

[01:09:29] And, um, you know, I often hear people ask me, what is leverage? What does that look like? And leverage can be a smoking gun, like the one thing that for sure the narcissist doesn’t want anyone to know. Um, or it can be something like that. The narcissist is more motivated to resolve your differences than you are.

[01:09:52] Or it can be a, a, an accumulation of things. It can be. You know, 15 [01:10:00] different text messages that show, um, that they’re a liar or it, and, and you create an exhibit that shows that, um, you know, it could be that they didn’t show up for picking up the kids on time 20 times in a row, or they changed the schedule every single time that they were supposed to take the kids or whatever.

[01:10:23] But, you know, it could be any accumulation of those things. And so it’s really, really important to do that documentation, even if it seems mundane. You know, just keep the app open on your, you know, on your phone, the Notes app. Um, or there’s apps where you can actually, they pay, you know, to have a documentation feature or whatever, but, Basically, you just don’t really know what’s going to be the pattern that you’re gonna be able to bring out or what’s going to be that leverage.

[01:10:55] And you know for sure the leverage is always going to be around what is [01:11:00] their biggest motivation, which is, um, You know, the one thing they don’t want to come out, they, it’s gonna be around their ego. Because the thing about narcissists is, you know, they’re just always in this, um, mode of self preservation.

[01:11:20] They’re actually very easy to figure out. Um, and narcissists are the most afraid, most scared little personalities on the planet. They have fragile egos because they have no sense of inner value. Um, all of their value comes from the external. So, uh, when you are looking at your documentation and figuring out what your leverage is, um, you’re gonna wanna think about what is their biggest motivation?

[01:11:49] What is it that they really don’t want brought out? Um, and what is it that’s gonna make them look bad? Because narcissists do not want to look bad, especially in front of [01:12:00] people that they really respect. So if somebody is involved that they really respect, such as a mediator or other lawyers, or the judge, especially the judge, um, they’re not gonna wanna look bad.

[01:12:13] So, document, document, document everything. Okay? You never know when you’re gonna need it. Okay? The third thing that you can do is figure out what kind of narcissist you’re dealing with and understand what behaviors each one, uh, Engages it. So some of it is similar. Um, all narcissists. Engage in certain types of behaviors like gaslighting and manipulation, but they do it in subtly different ways depending on the type of narcissist that you’re dealing with, whether it’s covert, malignant, or grandiose.

[01:12:51] And, um, you will want to brush up on the different types of narcissists so that you can figure out what kind you’re dealing with [01:13:00] and then find out what behaviors they engage in. And once you do that, then um, you will expect it. You’re gonna go, oh, there, there’s that person being that covert narky self.
[01:13:12] That’s what they do. Uh, and you won’t take it as personally because you’ll just understand that. That’s the way they act. Okay. So the third thing you can do is figure out what kind of narcissist you’re dealing with. Brush up on the types of behaviors associated with each narcissist, and then expect them to act like themselves.

[01:13:35] They don’t change. Narcissists do not change. Um, they can pretend like they know, like, I mean, they’re, they’re very good at pretending. Um, they do know what good behavior looks like. Um, that’s how they were able to rope you in in the first place. And that’s how they parade around the world and get people to think that, um, they’re so great.

[01:13:58] Um, especially covert [01:14:00] narcissists are really, really good at that. Um, but. You’re gonna wanna figure out what kind you’re dealing with and then not be surprised when they just act like themselves. The fourth thing is when you are getting ready to ask for something from the narcissist, you’re gonna wanna ask for way more than what you actually want.

[01:14:21] The narcissist is going to wanna feel like they beat you like they got to you because they get supply from that. Their egos won’t allow you to win, at least on paper. So if you are ready to just give them a certain amount, give away a certain amount that you control, that you decide ahead of time, I’m gonna be willing to take.

[01:14:45] This much or I’ll be willing to give up this thing. Um, but act like it’s like the one thing you definitely don’t wanna give up, because if there’s something that’s super important to you, then that’s the one thing that they’re gonna wanna make [01:15:00] sure that you don’t get. So you’re, you, you kind of playing a game here and I call it ethically manipulating the manipulator, but basically, You’re gonna wanna give them, um, certain things that you kind of decide ahead of time that you, you were willing to give and then, um, you know, work back to what you actually want.

[01:15:24] And then when you get there, you have to act like, oh my God, I can’t believe I had to give up so much and this is just awful. And oh, you, you really took advantage of me and whatever. But you can just go home and smile and pour your champagne or whatever, and do it in the privacy of your own home after you’ve won the things that you wanted.

[01:15:45] And number five, the last one is, I take it from like this old commercial. Never let ’em see you sweat. But really you never wanna let them see you sweat, cry. Get emotional, lose control, then they get supply from [01:16:00] that. Um, if you need to, you know, cry in the bathroom, um, and, and then come back out, put splash water on your face, you know, if you wear makeup and you’re a female, whatever, you know, put makeup back on.

[01:16:15] Uh, if you’re a guy, just splash water in your face, comb your hair, whatever you need to do to just maintain control and never let them see that they are getting under your skin. Because as soon as they see that, then they know they have you. Um, if you know you’re gonna have to interact with them. You know, and let’s say it’s a school meeting or it’s a mediation or something like that, don’t get there too early.

[01:16:44] Get there on time. Um, don’t give them opportunities to grab you and try to manipulate you, because that’s when they’ll start to get under your skin again. Remember what I said at the beginning, these narcissists, they know how to, uh, push your buttons, so [01:17:00] never let ’em see you sweat. So why am I talking about quantum law and karma and all of these things when I am a lawyer?

[01:17:09] I’m gonna tell you why right now, because mindset is 50% of winning a negotiation and intention is a huge part of that. 80% of a negotiation is won before you even walk into the room. It becau because it comes to your planning and preparation. Yes, of course, but it is a huge part of it is your, is your mindset.

[01:17:40] It is one of the most important parts of it. And mindset also has to do with your thoughts and your thoughts. Are energy. And what quantum law says is that what, whatever energy you’re putting out there, that’s the energy that you’re gonna get, [01:18:00] like attracts, like, it’s just physics. Okay? And so when you are like forming a thought in your mind and you’re placing that thought out into the world, you are basically placing an order to the universe and you’re saying to the universe, this is what I want to have happen.

[01:18:22] This is how I want it to go. So if you say things to the universe, like, I’m never gonna get that. He or she always gets their way, I can never win. I’m not even gonna try to get this particular thing because it, it’s never gonna happen. The universe goes, okay, because. Whatever your little beams of thought are, that energy that you place out into the world, that’s what comes back to you.

[01:18:51] Your thoughts are literally just protons, neutrons, and electrons and ions all just floating around in your brain. That’s [01:19:00] all they are. You can’t feel them. You can’t touch them as fast as they come into your brain. They can go back out of your brain. Let’s just try an experiment right now. I want you to think about, I want you to close your eyes and I want you to think about a white picket fence.

[01:19:15] Just hold that in your mind. Now. Let it go. Is it? Is it still there? No, it’s not. It’s gone and, and it’s the same thing with your thoughts. The only thing is when you start to have beliefs, th that just means that it’s a thought that you’ve thought over and over and over again, and now it’s become a belief, and now you just believe that it’s true.

[01:19:39] But it’s only because you’ve been thinking it so many times that it becomes like true to you, but it doesn’t mean it’s necessarily true. If you wanna know more about power thinking when it comes to narcissist, make sure to check out my video called Power Thinking when it comes to narcissists, because making sure you [01:20:00] have.

[01:20:00] A powerful mind is gonna be so, so important. So what happens when you’re, when you’re harnessing the power of quantum law is you’re basically lining up the, the, the power of the universe to say, this is how I want it to go. You’re, you’re, you’re, it’s almost like you’re putting, you’re setting your gps. And you know, if you’re driving from Los Angeles to San Diego and you don’t know how to get there, you’re gonna put a, a thing in your gps and you’re just going to assume that you’re going to drive there.

[01:20:37] At no point do you go, well, maybe I’m gonna get there and my, maybe it’s gonna happen, maybe not. You know, maybe I’ll end up in, in, you know, Oregon or something like that. You don’t think that, right? But that’s what we do with our thoughts. We go, okay, well I, I think I’d like this to happen, but maybe it won’t.

[01:20:57] Maybe I’ll end up over here. Maybe I’ll end up over [01:21:00] there. You can’t, you can’t do that when you are harnessing the power of quantum law because, you know, the, the universe of, of physics is such that it will respond to exactly what you put out there. Like attracts like that is a. Physics law, and so your.

[01:21:27] Thoughts are going to beam out into the energy and whatever it is that you put out there is going to come back to you. So the first step in actually beating that narcissist is believing that you can, and not only believing it, but knowing it with. Every cell of your body that this is how it’s going. No matter what.

[01:21:57] This is the direction that it’s going to [01:22:00] head. I am going to receive this. I am going to let them know that I am more powerful. They are going to see that they are no longer the more powerful one, that they are no longer the one who’s controlling me. I am the one who’s in control. I am the one who’s in control of my thoughts, my life, my outcomes.

[01:22:22] And then that’s how it ends up going to go. The universe wants to respond to you. It, it absolutely is at the ready. It’s like the soldiers who are just as soon as you clap, boom, there they are. What would you like? But you have to let them know what it is because if you say, I’m never going to win. I shouldn’t even bother to try.

[01:22:49] Then that’s how it’s going to go. And the other thing that’s really, really important is that you need to make sure that you [01:23:00] are not saying things to the, the, the universe that’s going to make the universe believe that you’re not in control. And by saying things like, I’m a victim, I can never win. Or I need a good lawyer, or somebody else has to help me, or I need more money, or all of those kinds of things, you’re basically saying to the universe, I don’t have it now.

[01:23:27] I’m not in control. I can’t do it the way things are now. It’s not gonna happen. And then. That’s what’s going to happen. You’ve placed that, that order to the universe. I, uh, recently read a book called Untamed by Glennon Doyle, which was really, really great, especially if you’re a woman. I don’t know, maybe guys would like it too.

[01:23:49] But, um, it was really a good book. And one of the things that she said was her mantra in that book was, uh, [01:24:00] I can do hard things. And you know, at first I was like, I don’t know, I can do hard things. Is that a good mantra? And then I started to like, think, think about it. It was like, okay, now yeah, if, if I’m getting ready to do something that maybe feels like a challenge or maybe I’m afraid of, then you know, just say to yourself, I can do hard things.

[01:24:22] Um, And another one that I read one time was a book by, uh, Elizabeth Gilbert, and I think the book was Big Love. Um, and anyway, the book, in the book, big Love, Elizabeth Gilbert talks about fear, and she talks about how any time she does something new, she used to say, oh, I have to get rid of fear. I, I can’t have fear come with me no matter what.

[01:24:48] You know, I, I, I’ve gotta figure out a way to like get rid of it. Well, but the truth is that none of us ever completely figure out a way to operate into a new world [01:25:00] or a new thing without any fear whatsoever. The courage is doing it in the face of fear, right? Like the Cowardly Lion in, in, in the Wizard of Oz.

[01:25:10] And so what Elizabeth Gilbert says in that book is that she has learned to go, okay, and, and like have a conversation with fear and say, all right, fear. Okay, we’re going on a trip. We’re doing this thing and we’re gonna get in the car. And you know, I understand that you’re gonna have to come along. I would like for you not to come along, but I understand that you’re coming along against my wishes.

[01:25:37] So, okay, fine. Fear you get to come, but you definitely do not get to drive. You have to sit in the back seat. I’m driving. You don’t get to drive. You don’t get to navigate. You definitely do not even get to touch the radio. You don’t get to touch, play the songs. You just have to sit there and shut up while I’m doing this thing

[01:26:00] and I’m driving.

[01:26:01] So fear, you’re coming, but I’m driving. And I thought that was a beautiful, beautiful analogy. So if you want to use quantum law to beat that narcissist, the thing you have to do is. Start with your thoughts. Start like pinging into the universe. Remember like attracts like, so what you ping out, pings right back to you.

[01:26:25] It’s like a boomerang. So if you want good things to start coming to you, you better start being very, very aware of the things that you’re pinging out into the universe so that the right things start pinging back to you. And that’s the way you’re gonna start the path of beating that narcissist. So if you are dealing with that pesky, awful, toxic narcissist, and you are just at your wit’s end and you’re trying to figure out how to outsmart them, here are five secrets to outsmarting them.

[01:26:59] [01:27:00] Number one, agree with them. And I know what you’re saying. What agree with them. They’re crazy. They’re pathological liars. They say anything they want to, they accuse me of stuff that’s not true. I get it. I do. I’ve dealt with them. I’ve represented them. I’ve had them on the other side of my cases, had to deal with them in my own life.

[01:27:24] So I mean, nobody’s immune. Narcissists are everywhere. Right? But I’m talking about ways that you can bring them down that you know, because remember that a narcissist game is to manipulate you. I mean, you think it’s to beat you, but it really isn’t beating you isn’t the outcome. There’s really no outcome.

[01:27:48] They don’t really have a goal or an outcome. Their outcome is just manipulating you, messing with you, making themselves look as good as possible. And the

[01:28:00] only way that they can make themselves look good is by putting you down. And so if you steal their thunder, if you take their. Their ammunition away, then they don’t know what to do with that.

[01:28:14] So you just say, you know, if they say to you, you’re always late, just say, you know what, you’re right. I’m always late. Um, and, and they’re gonna, you know, bristle at that at first. Oh, you’re being, um, you know, you’re talking down to me, condescending, whatever. Um, you know, they can say whatever you want. Just say, no, I’m, I’m always late.

[01:28:39] That’s what you say. I’m always late. You know, and you’re, you’re not saying it in a, be careful not to say it in a way that’s, um, sarcastic or where you, you know, they can tell that they’re getting to you because the whole purpose of this is to just show them that you, you’re, you’re not [01:29:00] affected. That you’re completely nonplussed by the what they’re saying and, and how they’re saying it.

[01:29:05] You know, that’s their perspective. You’re always late. Whatever. Um, and they, they’ll, they’ll be thrown off their game with that. Okay. Now, the one little caveat I will say is if you’re going to court with a narcissist, you definitely don’t wanna say this like in a deposition or in court or something like that.

[01:29:25] I mean, this is where you’re just having a conversation with this other person and you’re just coming up with ways to, um, outsmart them and, and, and kind of beat them at their own game. So by them trying to manipulate you by getting a rise out of you and you just saying you’re right. It, it, it stuns them.

[01:29:48] They’re, they’re not quite sure what to do with that. Okay? So that’s number one. Number two is the ear method. Uh, this comes from Bill Eddie, who is an author and attorney and a psychologist. And he’s written books like [01:30:00] Splitting and Biff and the Five Types of People That’ll Ruin your Life. And, um, he says you use ear statements, and this is especially true if you’ve got somebody who’s just completely out of control and just losing their mind on you.

[01:30:15] You sh you show empathy, attention and respect, ear, e a r. And I know what you’re thinking. You don’t wanna show them empathy, attention, or respect, cuz you don’t empathize with them. You don’t wanna give them attention and you certainly don’t respect them. I get it. This is to outsmart the narcissist.

[01:30:31] Remember? So, You know, if you act the way the narcissist expects you to act, then they know they have you. If you act in a way that they don’t expect you to act, just like in number one where we said, just agree with them, this is where you’re giving them a little bit of attention. And remember that’s what the narcissist wants.

[01:30:52] They want attention. So you’re just giving them just enough to say, you know, I see [01:31:00] that you’re upset. Um, you know, it must be difficult to travel or whatever it is that you wanna say to them, but you’re just saying it without emotion. Um, just show them a little bit of empathy, attention, and respect. Okay?

[01:31:15] Number three thing you can do is figure out leverage against them, even if you’re not negotiating with them in a formal sense. Figuring out a way that you can gather around them and, and find their inconsistencies and figure out what it is that they’re saying that they’re lying about. Catch them in their lives.

[01:31:33] Now, what I want you to do when you’re doing this though, is not show them right away what you’ve got. Because if you’re showing it to them real time, real time, real time, then they’re constantly. Out gaming you, which they’re very good at. I mean, narcissists are master manipulators, especially covert narcissists.

[01:31:56] Covert narcissists are great at looking really, really [01:32:00] wonderful to 99% of the world. I know I’ve had to deal with them myself. And if you wanna know more about covert narcissist, make sure that you check out my video on covert narcissism in relationships, and I will definitely drop a link to that video below.

[01:32:17] But in the meantime, while you’re gathering leverage and you’re gathering motivation for them to want to, um, have a conversation with you or do what you want them to do, um, you’re just gathering, gathering, gathering, and you’re using, you’re waiting to use that leverage at a time that is most opportune for you.

[01:32:35] And that the, the, the time that you’re gonna use that is when you have them fully surrounded and there’s no, you know, it’s like airtight. It’s like, um, soldiers that are surrounding a city or something like that, there’s no escaping because that’s when they go crazy and they’re true colors really show through, which again, is more leverage that you’ll be able to potentially [01:33:00] use down the road.

[01:33:01] Number four is throw them off the scent. So what I mean by this is don’t show a narcissist what you really want, because the minute you tell them what it is that you definitely don’t want, or you definitely do want, then that’s the thing that they’re gonna do whatever they can to make sure you don’t get it.

[01:33:23] Because the, you know, if you’re trying to outsmart a narcissist here, you don’t show your hand, you don’t show what it is that you want, you throw them off the scent. You know, you, you, you act like nonchalant about the thing that you really want the most. And then the thing that you don’t care about, you act like that’s the most important thing ever.

[01:33:42] And especially if you’re negotiating with a narcissist, this is very, very critical. I have a video on how to negotiate with a narcissist, and I will drop a link to that below. Check that out if you’re trying to negotiate with a narcissist. But, Regardless if you’re trying to negotiate or not, [01:34:00] you’re still in a negotiation if you’re having to deal with this narcissist.

[01:34:03] So don’t show them what it is that means the most to you, because that’s what they will then target. Because then in the end, if you end up with what you want, who really cares if they knew that that was what you want? And if they think that you didn’t get what you wanted, you know, act like, oh my gosh, this was just horrible.

[01:34:26] Or whatever. And then, you know, when you go back to your house or you go back to your room or whatever, you can just be like Dr. Evil and Squeal and, and you know you got what you wanted. So who really cares if he or she knew that they, that you got what you wanted? Okay. And number five has nothing to do with the narcissist at all.

[01:34:47] It has everything to do with you and in my book, negotiate Like You Matter. And in my programs, you’ll, you know, those of you who’ve worked with me or those of you who’ve read my book, that the most important thing is your internal [01:35:00] feeling of value. You focus on your own power. You focus on your own value and your own internal feeling of value.

[01:35:07] Remember that narcissists have no internal feeling of value. They get all their feeling of any sort of value from the external. And the more you can just be that oak tree and that you can just stand in your power, the less the the narcissist will get to you. And that is really the best way to outsmart that narcissist.

[01:35:31] I definitely would try to get that narcissist out of your world if you possibly can. And I always say, show them the door to your world. Have a nice life, but obviously if you’re co-parenting with a narcissist and you know you’re still gonna have to have them in your world, you know, do something like parallel parenting, something where you don’t.

[01:35:54] Have to deal with them on a regular basis. Thanks for listening to this episode of [01:36:00] Negotiate Your Best Life. Remember that I have brand new episodes just like this on my YouTube channel every single day. So if you want to be empowered every single day, head over to my YouTube channel, and also you can follow me on Instagram at Rebecca Zung or my TikTok at Rebecca Zung as well.

[01:36:23] And remember that you can pre-order my book right now is slay the bully.com and get early access to the manuscript as well as tons of other bonuses. And make sure to register for my brand new webinar, my new masterclass at Break Free from Hell, and it’s breaking free from hell. Take back your power emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

[01:36:51] I can’t wait to support you in your journey to taking back your power, and otherwise, I will see you right back here [01:37:00] for the next episode of Negotiate Your Best Life. I am so excited to supporting you and remember that today’s a great day to start negotiating your best life.