Narcissists spend an inordinate amount of time trying to control everything and everyone around them so that they can maintain a steady flow of narcissistic supply. Not only do they need control to obtain narcissistic supply – they also get narcissistic supply from controlling people and things in and of itself. Although narcissist’s do feel out of control sometimes which is often what drives some of their heinous behaviors, they can ultimately feel completely out of control if they lose a massive percentage of the narcissistic supply that they are used to. When this happens, it is not a pretty sight.
If you’ve been dealing with a narcissist for a while – you may be thinking that they have total control over you because of how much they have terrorized, manipulated, and bullied you into feeling small and weak. Although you are right to be feeling scared, there are some things that they definitely cannot control- even if it doesn’t feel like it. Once you recognize these things, you can start to rewrite the script and start feeling empowered enough to regain control over yourself and the situation you’re in.
One of the things that narcissists certainly cannot control are your thoughts. They cannot control the way you think. Although they will try to make you think a certain way and play mind games with you – they definitely can’t gain full control or even really any control over your actual thoughts. I often refer to the book “I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings.” I do so because that “caged bird” which is your thoughts, your soul, the essence of you, can never be controlled by somebody unless you give them permission to. Definitely try not to let them occupy your thoughts; however, have a go! They cannot control your thoughts so let your brilliant mind have its way!
Although they will try and often succeed, narcissists truly cannot control another’s emotions in full. This is one of the hardest things to believe – especially because the narcissist has worked so hard to get into your thinking and to emotionally abuse you. So although yes, they can certainly affect your thinking and your feelings to an extraordinary extent- they cannot take over your body and think for you nor can they truly feel for you. It takes tons of self-care, knowledge, courage, and strength to get out from under their “control” of your thoughts and emotions.
The first step in learning how to take back control of your thoughts and your emotions is by being aware of what’s going on. You can begin by learning about narcissism, by understanding how these creatures work, and by being gentle with yourself. Learning about why the narcissist has created this pattern of thinking for you is the first step in getting out of it. Understanding that deep down they’re very scared and weak is going to propel you into healing and recovery mode. Remembering that you’re actually the stronger one and that they attached themselves to you because you have so much value is going to be key in preventing them from controlling your thoughts and emotions in the future.
The last thing that a narcissist cannot control is your behaviors and responses to them. They can threaten you and coerce you and manipulate you all that they want to get you to behave a certain way; ultimately, it is up to you to actually do or not do a given action. Understanding that you have full power over your being is going to be the first step in finally being able to release yourself from the relationship. Understanding that you cannot control or change a narcissist is going to be able to give you the willingness to escape. Once you start taking control over your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors again, you will really start to practice how strong you are by taking small actions that will help empower you. It is scary and you will need protection. That’s why I am here for you. I am here to help you realize the situation you are in and take the necessary steps to escape and move forward with the life that is YOURS.