It’s no secret that narcissists are pathological liars. They lie for many reasons; however, it all relates back to having no sense of self esteem and needing to suck all of their value from the environment and from people around them. They need to lie in order to control everyone around them so that they can get the narcissistic supply that they are constantly in search of and need. One form of narcissistic supply is devaluing and hurting others. This is another reason why a narcissist might lie.
I’ve seen narcissists lie in my law practice, I’ve seen them lie in my personal life. Narcissists lie about all sorts of things. They lie about things that they don’t need to lie about. They lie about things that are readily verifiable. They lie as a means of gaslighting. They lie to please. They lie to hide. Regardless of their reasoning for lying, there are some lies that are commonly used amongst narcissists. These are some of them.
“No one is as honest as I am,” or “I have to be honest,” or “Honestly…”
Ironically and paradoxically, these are common lies that narcissists use. If you are dealing with a narcissist, you need to remember that nobody is as dishonest as they are. If a narcissist is beginning a sentence with the above words, they are nearly always followed by a lie. Although you may know that the person you are dealing with is a pathological liar, they say things with such gusto and confidence that you tend to believe them – at least early on. My dad used to say, “Whatever you say, say it with authority and people will believe you.” Narcissists have taken this to an extreme. They do this so well that even though you inherently know that they are lying, you are inclined to believe them. It’s important to keep these phrases in mind so that you can protect yourself from the lies that they so often use to manipulate, control, and/or hurt you.
“I love you.” “I care about you.” or “I’m here for you.”
When a narcissist says these wonderful things that most anybody would want to hear, they don’t truly mean it. They are incapable of loving you, caring for you, and showing up for you. When they say this, they are love-bombing you so that they can manipulate, control, and devalue you in the future. If a narcissist, or anyone for that matter, says these things but doesn’t follow up with the synonymous actions, do not believe these words. They are lies.
“I’m sorry.” or “Things will be different.” or “I’ll do/be better”
These phrases are what I call narcissist faux-pologies. When a narcissist apologizes, they aren’t truly sorry for the harm that they caused, they have no intention of truly changing their behavior to better themselves or the relationship they are in. If a narcissist says they are sorry or tries to convince you that things will be better and that they will be better, it’s because they are again trying to manipulate you so that they can continue to get supply from you. Similarly to when a narcissist tells you they love you, actions speak louder than words. If a narcissist says these things and doesn’t change their behavior, they are providing lip service and again, are lying.
Narcissists do not live up to their word nor their promises. If a narcissist is promising you something, they are future faking to manipulate you to believe them so that you stick around and provide them with the supply that they are constantly in search of. When they promise you something, they are only promising you a fantasy that will never turn into a reality. They are hoping you hold on to the fantasy because if you don’t and you realize the type of person you are dealing with, you will leave and no longer be a viable source of narcissistic supply for them. Never believe a narcissist’s promises.
“It’s not my fault.”
The last common lie that you will hear a narcissist spew is that nothing is their fault and that they didn’t do whatever it is they are being blamed for. Narcissists are unable to take responsibility for their actions. They will never truly hold themselves accountable or allow others to hold them accountable. If a narcissist does in fact do so, it’s simply to assuage whomever it is that is accusing them. If you believe a narcissist has done something, you are probably right. Trust your intuition.