Are you dealing with a narcissistic toxic ex that’s driving you totally insane? By the end of this article, you’ll have an easy, foolproof method to use when you’re dealing with that narcissistic toxic ex so that you can manage them and actually, maybe, have peace in your life.
Okay, so let’s dive in. The name of this easy foolproof method is the BIFF Method, you may have heard of it before. It is pioneered by the great Bill Eddy.
Very briefly, BIFF, B-I-F-F stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. Step number one is B, which stands for Brief. You’re going to want to keep your interactions with that narcissist brief. Because their number one goal is to manipulate you, to use you for whatever they can so that they come out looking as good as possible. You only exist really to benefit them. They don’t care about you. Whether you’re dealing with an overt narcissist or a covert narcissist or whatever kind of narcissist you’re dealing with, you want to be careful about getting sucked in to their patterns. Because, they want to suck you in.
So for example, they’ll give you three choices. All right, “Here’s three choices to settle our case or to resolve our issues,” whatever it is. Then you come back, and you pick one and they go, “Oh no. It’s now changed.” The end goal is not to actually come to a resolution. The end goal is to manipulate you, so don’t get sucked into that. You have to keep your interactions as brief as possible. Okay? So that’s step number one. B stands for Brief. Is this sounding familiar to you all so far? If so, put a “hell yes” in the comments.
Number two. Two stands for I. I stands for Informative. So yes, you can be informative, you can tell them things. You will want to be able to interact with them in a way that is just, “Here’s the facts, here’s the data, here’s the supporting data.” Because one of the things that a narcissist will constantly try to do is twist what you say, twist your words, twist what you say. They’re always going to want to make sure that they come out winning and on top.
Gas-lighting is one of the things that they’ll use. You know, “We had that conversation. You don’t remember that? Oh, you agreed to,” blah, blah, blah. “Oh, you misunderstood,” blah, blah, blah. Right? So, the more facts and the more information that you can have to back up your position, the harder it will be for them to manipulate you. They’re still going to try, don’t get me wrong, they will definitely still try. I stands for informative. You just give them the information and then it’s in and out. Sort of like the Soup Nazi, “I’ll have this kind of soup.” Boom, on to the side. You just give them the information and then you’re out of there.
By the way, part of being informative is that you’re going to want to document everything that you say or do with this person. Everything should be in writing because they will try to twist your words. So as much as you can, you want to keep everything in writing, especially if you’re dealing with children. You’re going to want to have some kind of app that you’re using that tracks your conversations, because this person will definitely constantly try to manipulate what you’re saying.
Number three, the third step is F. F stands for Friendly. And that’s because even though you despise them and you probably hate their guts, believe me, I have my own narcissists in my life that I have to deal with. Everybody does. We all do. Whether it’s a coworker, whether it’s a partner, whether it’s a family member, it doesn’t really matter.
The thing is that they want you to be upset. They’re trying to manipulate you into getting emotional. If they’re a covert narcissist, that’s even more their thing. What they’re trying to do then is make you look like you’re crazy. Regular narcissists do that too. So, you want to just remain friendly because then they think you’re unflappable, totally nonplussed. “Whatever you’re doing, you’re doing. I’m watching you. I’m watching you like I’m watching a two year old having a tantrum on the floor.I’m not getting engaged with that.” Okay, so you stay friendly because as soon as you lose control of your emotions, then they know they have you.
The second F, the last F, this is step number four. The last F stands for Firm. You’ve got to remain firm. One of the things that narcissists do is they push boundaries. They don’t think they have boundaries. They also have this mantra going on inside of them, “I will not be ignored.” So, they’re going to push boundaries, they’re going to want to push your buttons. You’ve got to remain firm and not allow them to do that. All right? So Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. In and out. Get out of there, don’t engage, and that’s how you’re going to beat them at their own game.
If you are dealing with a narcissist and you want to know more about how to communicate with them, come join me at my FREE Webinar, the 3 MUST HAVE Secrets for Communicating with a Narcissist. You can sign up for that RIGHT HERE.