I used to be a make wrong queen.   If I wanted to move on in a job or a relationship, I started the process of looking for all sorts of evidence to prove how wrong the boss was or the guy was.   And just like when you buy a new car, you start noticing all those same cars on the road, when you are looking for evidence in reality to prove that the other person is wrong, you will find it.

In fact, in the psychological world, they have a name for that – they call it confirmation bias.   Which simply means that you interpret, favor and recall any and all information or data that supports what you already believed in the first place.

It’s an old movie now but years ago, there was a movie with Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner.   He says you owe me an explanation about why you want out of the marriage – and she says because when I watch you eat, when I see you asleep, when I look at you lately, I just want to smash your face in.   How many of us have been there?

Negotiation with a Narcissist

So several years ago, when I had decided to leave a job and start my own law practice, I hired a business coach.   I started in on all the reasons my old job was terrible – beginning with that the boss was a raging misogynist and onto that I wasn’t appreciated enough, paid enough, and well, I am sure all you get that picture and have been there.

Here was the aha moment and gift that coach gave me – that you don’t have to make your current situation or people around in it, wrong in order for the decision to move on to be right.   It can simply just be that the current situation no longer serves you (or maybe never did) and thus, your soul requires that you move on to the next thing.

There are a couple of really great things that come from that aha moment.

#1 – you can leave the people that you are moving away from in a place where they are whole – both in your mind and in theirs.  It is never a good idea to burn bridges.  You never know when that decision will come back to bite you.

#2 – you can focus on the positive life you are creating rather than getting stuck in the blame game.  When you get stuck in the blame game, then you gift the power to someone else and get caught in this vortex of it’s someone else’s fault that I don’t have ­­­­_________ xyz – whatever it is in life that you want.  Or it is someone else’s fault that I feel terrible about myself.

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This is a victim mentality and when you are sucked into this place, then you are always the victim.   Only by really realizing the difference between fault and responsibility can you move forward.   That means – it can be someone else’s fault that you had a terrible childhood, that your spouse cheated or that your boss was a tyrant.  But then it is your responsibility to stop pointing the finger and move on from it.

So stop the blame and fan your own flame!

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